Help Wanted

The Cult of Culinary Arts in this country has given rise to some pretty over-the-top, pretentious restaurants. Especially in Chicago where this ad for a dishwasher was recently spotted in the local help wanted ads. It’s aghasttronomical!

Entry-Level Position in the Post-Culinary Arts

Job Title: Culinary Dish Care Representative

Company: The Frog & Thistle Gastro Pub-Style Micro Bistro & Whisky Distillery

Job Location: Logan Square, Chicago, IL

Employment Type: Full-Time+

Start Date: ASAP

Ideal Candidate will possess the following skills:

Candidate will demonstrate skill differentiating between steins, mugs, rocks glasses, tumblers, juice glasses, punch glasses and goblets in a fast-paced, deadline-oriented environment.

Candidate will be familiar with dessert spoons, soup spoons, tea spoons, and bouillon spoons. Don’t know what a demitasse spoon is? Don’t waste our time.

Candidate will demonstrate an attention to detail that borders on the pathological. The majority of our customers are food bloggers, so a crusty bouillon bowl won’t cut it. The only thing crusty coming out of our kitchen is the gluten-free, vegan, house-made focaccia breadsticks made with organic, free-range rosemary. Don’t know what free-range rosemary is? Don’t waste our time.

Candidate will be asked to perform a stage to demonstrate requisite skills. Don’t know what a stage is? Don’t waste our time. During the stage you will be asked to restore an asparagus fork to its pristine, pre-dining condition.

Qualifications:

Passion for the Post-Culinary Arts

Minimum 3 years experience working with a high-end dishwasher. Hobart preferred

Knowledge of scrubbing pressure and scratch resistance ratios

Must demonstrate excellent plate-scraping abilities

Must be broom and mop savvy

Must be able to lift 50 lbs. & withstand temps of 100+ degrees

Bilingual preferred (you know which linguals we prefer)

Must know your way around a three-compartment sink

Must possess a flair for rinsing

Ability to “rock” a hair net preferred but not required

Helpful but not required:

Must be willing to bear the brunt of the Head Chef’s explosive rage and insufferable ego (as well as the Sous Chef, Patissier, Chef de Partie, Saucier, Poissonier, Entremetier, Rotisseur, Gard Manger, Expediter and most of the Servers).

Knowing which types of industrial cleaners cause blistering and which ones merely give you a nasty rash is beneficial

Ability to bring a certain je ne sais quoi to the art of pot scrubbing.

Essential Duties And Responsibilities:

Help maintain the highest standards of cleanliness and sanitation.

Coordinate the delivery of sanitized plateware to dining room. Responsible for all facets of post-culinary utensil restoration.

Compensation & Benefits:

Minimum wage

10% discount on meals (restricted menu)

Opportunity to work multiple double shifts per week

Table scraps? Yours

You break it you bought it

We supply the dish soap, you supply the elbow grease

A bit over-the-top in my opinion. Believe me, I know a thing or two about being a dishwasher.

This hilarious bit of satire was originally published in Reglar Wiglar.

HELP WANTED