Published in Reglar Wiglar #9, 1997
How do you like your reviews, huh? You like ’em rough, huh? You like em rough?
ACE FREHLEY
12 Picks (Megaforce)
Dear Megaforce Records,
I have both used and enjoyed the two free autographed Ace Frehley guitar picks that accompanied Ace Frehley’s recent compilation of “standout” cuts”, 12 Picks. I think we we both know why we can’t refer to this new release as a “greatest hits” album, even though, as you suggested in your letter to my zine, “Few musicians throughout rock history can lay claim to the level of influence that Ace has had on American guitar players.” How true and yet how sad that the record buying public remains so ignorant as to Mr. Frehley’s genius. It would seem that every used record store in the Chicagoland area is well stocked with this record as I could find none that would buy my copy off me. That’s something to be proud of, huh? Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for the Frehley.
Better days, better lays.
—Malcolm Tent
AUNTIE CHRIST
Life Could be a Dream (Lookout!)
A little treat for X fans. Exene Cervenkova, as she is now known (Cervenka is so ’80s) is back with ex-X drummer DJ Bonebrake ad Matt Freeman (Rancid?) on bass. Auntie Christ provide more than just your standard run of the mill punk rock music (Reagan ain’t in the White House anymore kids and you were eatin; Capn’ Crunch and watchin’ the Smurfs when he was). Fast and furious, yet reflective, awwwww. This new incarnation has got its own distinct sound and characteristics; it’s disparate, get used to it—Joey “Unbelievably Clever” Germ
BLACK FORK
Rock for Loot (Lookout!)
Punk Rock from the A Team of Punk Rock. Black Fork stick their fork into big meaty chunks of power chords and shove it in your mouth with a snotty urgency that is sure to satisfy you palate—Joey “Clip That One Out for Your Press Kit” Germ
THE BOY WONDER JINX
Left Hand Smoke Shifter (slingshot/lfm)
True to their nature lfm have released another lo-fi record by lo-fi band, Boy Wonder Jinx. Which by lo-fi standards is relatively lo-fi, There’s a certain atmospheric, moody, quality to this record. It put me in a bad mood. Just kidding. Sorry I can’t say more. I sent this out to be professionally reviewed but I wasn’t satisfied with the results (I’m switching companies)—P.C. Jones
CROVETCH
Crovetch (Rubato)
This here cassette is a preview to the debut, Epistle to El Paso. Got that? I know what you’re thinking, (seriously, I do, it’s a gift I’ve had since I was a child): “Get on with the friggin’ review already.” Fair enough. Crovetch got kind of a spastic intensity to ’em a la the late Brainiac, who it should be noted were from Dayton as well, and Brainiac, it should also be said, will be greatly missed, as will singer Timmy Taylor, if your are a Brainiac fan you should know the story on that, it won’t be retold here. Crovetch has got a sound that’s sparse and primal, urgently chaotic, yet tight. You know what I mean when I say shit like that? Good. It should also be noted that Crovetch have relocated to Chicago (What? We need more Ohioans in Illinois? Christ!) and this ends our transmission in regards to Crovetch. Sweet dreams—RX2000
THE DRUGS
The Drugs (Ng)
The Drugs are kind of a more introspective, arty and intelligent Stone Temple Pilots. You get where I’m comin’ from on this? You know where I’m going to? (In comedy, we call this the “hook”—write that down, students). Seriously though, stay away from this record. Speaking of STP however, I heard that Weiland’s got a solo project in the works. I can’t fuckin’ wait. It’s gonna be the biggest thing to happen to my life since Baywatch Nights. All right, so maybe the Drugs don’t deserve to be lambasted as badly as I just inadvertently lambasted them, but I would rather go to the fridge and get a big slice of pizza than rewrite their review, so thatsa what I’ma gonna do—Muggsly “Feel Like a Slice Right About Now” McMurphy
THE GREAT BRAIN
Algorithm (Throwrug)
A record that kind of spans the last three or four years of indie rock. A lot of different influences here, Chapel Hill mostly; Polvo, Archers of Loaf. There’s some tense musical vibe at work and some hard, serious playing. I’ve never seen the Great Brain live but I bet there are a lot of furrowed brows on the stage when their “on”—Muggsy McMurphy
JAYUYA
Jayuya (Cosmic)
“Psycho Salsa from Hell” is what they say about Jayuya and I can’t really add to that. Sometimes it sounds like HR from the Bad Brains singing in Spanish to a frenzied and thoroughly fucked up salsa beat, other times it waxes a little more traditional, always moving though. It’s Puerto Rico with a bit of Boston and Cleveland mixed in there with just a touch of Venezuela. Listen to this only if you’re tired of the same old thing—P.C. Jones
JIMMY EAT WORLD
Static Prevails (Capitol)
You would assume that an “alternative” band on the Capitol label would be really good—P.C. Jones
THE KRINKLES
The Three Ringos (Mordorlorf)
Looks kids, the fun lovin’ Krinkles are back! Kids? It’s the Krinkles, kids! The Krinkles… their new CD, The Three Ringos, comes with a free crayon…kids? Ahh, fuck you then. Damn kids, don’t know nuthin’—P.C. Jones
LOWERCASE
Kill The Lights (AmRep)
lowercase, as in not capitalized. Oh, how I would love to launch into some half-assed metaphor about how the concept of lowercase relates to the music of this band, but that would be too, too easy and I must work for the crumbs I’m thrown. Such is the lot I’ve been cast in this miserable, miserable life. lowercase (do you know how much self control it takes for me to not capitalize the ‘l’ in lowercase when it’s being used as a proper noun? DO YOU?) makes me melancholy (sigh) with their sad music. I think I shall keep this record for mine own collection and listen to it’s sad sounds, forlornly—T. Bone
MAO TSE HELEN
Maize (Shameless)
You know a Reglar Wiglar record review carries so much weight in the industry that all I have to do is print the name of a band in this mag-a-zine and it becomes instantly hip. Isn’t that crazy? Likewise, if I should frown upon an artist, then said artist must wear their review like a scarlet letter so that everyone may see that they have not measured up to the high Reglar Wiglar editorial standards. In my own little world that makes me pretty special, just thought I’d share. In regards to this Mao Tse Helen record, there’s some sick minds at work here. Some quite possibly dangerous minds that the FBI and perhaps the CIA should be made aware of. In fact, I’m placing a call right now to the authorities. They’ll know what to do with this Mao Tse Helen and their Maise record—P.C. Jones
MINIM
4-song demo (no label)
Kind of agitated, angular (I learned that descriptive word from reading a real record review) perhaps angry music. I would say its minimal but that’s what you all want me to say and I’m not going to say what you want me to say—Jayne Wayne
MOTLEY CRUE
Generation Swine (Electra)
They’ve done it again—Mike Dixon
ONE HIT WONDER
Outfall (Nitro)
As a “rock journalist,” I am fully conscious of the irony of a band named One Hit Wonder. Yes, the irony is not, I repeat, is not lost on me. The ironic implications of a band with the band moniker being One Hit Wonder has hit me squarely on the noggin. The prepackaged cynicism, the unremarkable, yet marketable defeatist, “we couldn’t give a toss” attitude… I got it.
Now that that’s off my scrawny, wheezy, anyone could kick my ass chest let me further ingratiate myself to this band. One Hit Wonder is a punk rock band with a very 90s message; Punk Rock is for everybody, young and old, Democrat, Republican. Let’s all enjoy punk rock together! Let’s examine the lyrics for the song titled “Corporate Rock Rules”( surprisingly, there’s not as much sarcasm in the song as you might be led to believe from the title). The basic message is the standard “think for yourself” credo only bent to fit this band’s situation, telling kids it’s OK to buy music on a major label (and it is) preferably One Hit Wonder’s album. I don’t know, its’ just an interesting little late-90s twist on things. The whole sellout, don’t sellout bullshit bores my ass to tears anyway and I don’t like to think for myself nearly as much as I like to think of myself. I think that this would be a good place for an opposing view to “Corporate Rock Rules” and that opposing view comes in the form of a simple and elegant haiku sent to the Reglar Wiglar by one Chris Wade of Richmond, VA
corporate rock
stinky, smelly shit
very, very smelly shit
corporate rock
chriswade
You make the call kids—Joey Germ
OVAL TEEN
Falling in Love All Over Again Once More for the Very First Time 7″ EP (MOC)
Beginner Midwestern Pop Rock band with songs about falling in love with foreign exchange students and other such songs about falling in love. You’re just one stomp on a distortion pedal away from being Pop Punk and that’s what’s sellin’ these days, so go ahead and stomp on that Rat Box, boys. Just kiddin’, don’t do that, please—Joey Germ\
REVERSING HOUR
The Diva’s Whiskey (Readymade)
Not typically the Germster’s cup of tea, but being the open-minded, sensitive man of the 90s that I am (goddamnit) I listened to this CD for all of three seconds before I–Whoa! Hold on! Take a deep breath. Whew, I almost let the Old Joe Germ get the better of me. I’ll be honest with you, OK? Somebody’s gotta review these records and sometimes that somebody is gonna be me and I don’t know what I’m talking about so, you know?—Joseph Titanium Germ
RUMFORD
All Night Train Wreck (Dubious Honor)
Train Wreck indeed and the passengers are in pain! Please god help them! Rumford is as Rumford does; scraggly-throated, dirty rawk’n’roll with Sabbath and Stooge-sized riffs reverberating off the garage walls, or in this case Big Daddy’s Attic walls (that’s a reference to the geographic location where this CD was recorded just so you know). Songs about baling hay (“Baling Hay”), bad weekends in Vegas (“My Bad Weekend in Vegas”) and bad men (“Bad Men”). It’s all here on one low priced and rockin’ CD. Order now!—Jayne Wayne
THE SUPERTONES
Supertones Strike Back (BE Recordings)
So I put this Supertones CD on thinkin’, Christ! Not another ska band, then the first track opens with a ska version of Metallica’s “Creeping Death” from Ride the Lightening and I’m thinking, Wow, Metallica with trumpet, trombone and sax, interesting, this might be good. So I’m giving this record every chance I can. Then “Creeping Death” intro turns onto the “Supertones Strike Back” and it’s fairly decent ska, which kinda all sounds the same to me, BUT THEN… the plot thickens a tad as I notice that the singer is singing about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and I’m intrigued further. This is quite a bold move and definitely different from all the rest of the pagan shit I’ve been reviewing. The next song is about God too, or addressed to God at any rate, and lo and behold all the other tracks are about how God and Love and Jesus are our salvation, etc. and subsequently the music kind of degenerates into run of the mill ska. Now I refuse to put these guys down for ska-ing out their Christian beliefs but I will say that it’s gonna take a little more than this CD to save my soul—Joey “I Really Had to Hold Back on this One” Germ
THE THUMBS
Sweet Merciful Crap… The Thumbs 7″ EP (Soda Jerk)
I think I know where the thumbs are most of the time… but theriously… This is a little Punk Rock EP from Annapolis Punk Rock band The Thumbs. It’s got five songs on it. I like the song “Move Out” ’cause it’s short and the song “Homecoming” ’cause it’s the classic, angry and accusatory you-think-you’re-such-a-nonconfomrmist-but-you’re-just-‘The Man’-with-a-nose ring song. You the man. No, you the man—Joey “The Man” Germ
TRONA
Trona (Cosmic)
Speaking of X… this Trona album, and I’m sure they’re tired of hearing it, although they should and probably are flattered by the comparisons, sound like X. It’s the deadpan, male/female duet on the vocals. That’s the most obvious, but apart from that this record rocks of its own accord. From Boston, baby—P.C. Jones
UK SUBS
Quintessentials (New Red Archives)
If there’s gonna be punk rock bands out there doin’ the same old thing that’s been done a hundred and nineteen times in the past then there might as well be punk bands that have been doing it since day one and still do it better. Such as the UK Subs, for example. Thank you—Joey “US Subs” Germ
UNBELIEVABLE JOLLY MACHINE
“This is My Life” b/w “Bitter” 7″ (Mutagenic)
In the immortal words of UJM, This is My life, a song about the trials and tribulations required by a life in rock music. The constant touring, day-to-day, hand-to-mouth existence, the sacrifices required, the broken relationships, the frustrations, the record reviews where the reviewer–some wannabe novelist trying to make a cheap buck postulating, pontificating, trying in vain to paint some picture with their eloquent words that nobody will read as the beer bottles pile up and the overdue bills pile up and the filth and the scum of urban living festers and crawls like a living thing over broken and dreams and shattered hopes and flip the record over and “Bitter” is all you get—B.S. Brown
VARIOUS
The Ozzfest Live (Red Ant/Ozz)
Dudes, I was so psyched about this concert, man, but when Ozzy falls off the wagon, I mean, he really falls off the wagon, you know. Right on his face. But I wish the man luck, ’cause he is The Man. Make no mistake about that. Right on! So, me and a bunch of my friends were going to go see Ozzfest and get a bunch of beer and go to Indiana Dunes and drink and smoke some weed and make a weekend out of it. My friend Casey had a big old bag of kind bud and his girlfriend is on the rag so we were gonna go with these two chicks we met out at Zeke’s bar last Friday when Casey’s old lady wasn’t feelin’ good and stayed home to watch Family Matters
(The conclusion of this epic tale will appear in Malcolm Tent’s exciting new book titled “Riding the Lightning; Metal, My Mullet and Me–Ed.)
—Malcolm Tent
VARIOUS
You Can’t Boar Like an Eabla When You Work with Turkrys (Amarillo)
These folks are genuinely weird. Check out the Amarillo catalog but please, I beg you, stay away from them. A lot of these bands on this sampler seem to be related, interchangable. There’s some kind of incestuous thread that connects these people together. My favorite track is by the Zip Code Rapists, “Happy Like Larry (He Taught Me How to Die),” Hail Bop! I get kind of a foggy, fuzzing feeling in my brain when I listen to this CD. It’s hard to describe, but in the immortal words of comic genius, Neil Hamburger (who is also featured on this sampler); “That’s my life.”—P.C. Jones
THE VELOUR MOTEL
Wolcott (Throwrug)
Kind of a slow, jangly guitar, soft vocals, kind of album. Early REM-ish with some Will Oldham vocal stylings. That may create a picture or sound in your head that Velour Motel may or may not live up to once you hear the record, but such is the danger in reviewing records—P.C. Jones
LAZY
The Lazy Music Group (Roadrunner)
OK, I know this is out of alphabetical order and so I apologize to all of you anally retentive people out there who make my life such hell most of the time, but much in the spirit of the name of this band the assigned reviewer simply did not get this review turned in on time, nor did he get it turned in, ever. So I gotta step in because I personally requested this CD from Roadrunner and I pretty much panned the last release Roadrunner sent me (Bennet–Super Natural) to which the PR woman at Roadrunner said unto me, “I read your Bennet review, if you want to call it a review” (she did not sound pleased) to which I replied, “I prefer to call it a period piece on 90s pop music. No, that last part is not true, but since I have to get this motherfucker (Reglar Wiglar #9) to the printers in less than two hours, true to my word, which has never meant much until now, let me just say that Lazy and this record rock. It reminds me of watching Saturday morning cartoons–no, no that’s a good thing I swear! Whew! I hope everybody is pleased and appeased. I’m sorry for the inconvenience. Please continue reading—C. Auman