Published in Reglar Wiglar #12, 1999
The most complete, comprehensive, thoughtful and intelligent music commentary ever written.
40K
40K (Stopped Clock)
40K kinda remind me of Big Star, they got the slow jams down pat and the melody and the good songs to boot and that’s worth 40 grand anyday, baby!—P.C. Jones
45 SPIDERS
Standard Forms of Communication (Deep Reverb)
I actually enjoyed the 45 Spiders CD when there were no vocals. The vocals are the ants at the picnic, or in this case, the spiders in your britches—J. Germ
88 FINGERS LOUIE
Back on the Streets (Hopeless)
88 Fingers Louie are back on the streets! To be honest, I hadn’t realized that they were off the streets having never been fully aware that they were ever on the streets to begin with. Know what I’m sayin’? So yeah, this is my introduction to 88FL and they’re all right I guess. Not that they want my advice, but I think they should change their name to Louie and the 88 Fingers. I would buy a record by a band called Louie and the 88 Fingers—J. Germ
ANTI-HERO/BLANK 77
Truck Stop Toilet (Taang!)
If it were 1977, Blank 77s would be huuuuuge!!! But sadly it is not 1977 (weep, weep) and on the flipside, there’s the Anti-Heros (sic) doing a Stiff Little Fingers cover at the truck stop toilet—Thee Brat
ANTI-HEROS
American Pie (Taang!)
Anti-Heros (sic) seem to be a little too right-wing for my political tastes. They’re proud Americans though, as is evident in this verse excerpted from the song “The Tradition”:
When I am older I’ll raise a family
I’ll give them the substance that tempered me
They taught me the meaning
Of being the best I can be
A true American
And from the chorus
Friendship in struggle, courage in battle, wisdom in rage
Struggle? Battle? Wisdom in rage? I don’t know, sounds like contradictory, if not empty sloganeering, which would be ok if they weren’t such a mediocre hardcore band to begin with—Joey Germ
A MINOR FOREST
Inindependence (Thrill Jockey)
Mellow and sometimes very mellow music that is mostly instrumental melodies. It might not move those rockers out there who are used to a faster groove, but hey, it’s smooth all right. I’ll call it Post Rock just to give you no idea what it is—P.C. Jones
ARCHERS OF LOAF
White Trash Heroes (Alias)
White Trash Heroes, the Archers of Loaf, are still lickin’ it–I mean kickin’ it (that was an honest typo, honest)! Still hell bent on doing their own thing and keepin’ their sound movin’ and changin’ despite the result, which is usually more often than not, right on target. Eric Bachman has even changed vocal stylings as well, sometimes sounding less like Richard Butler and more like Adam Sandler, but of course we all know that it’s a thin line between parody and you know, the other thing—P.C. Jones
ASSORTED JELLYBEANS
What’s Really Going On? (Kung Fu)
Dare I say quirky. Too late, I said it. The Jellybeans are kind of a fucked-up hybrid of punk and ska (of course) with a triple rap vocal attack. I was kind of surprised actually. Not that I would or could really listen to this a second time. And it must be mentioned that the cover art on this CD is so appallingly bad as to offend. I was offended—P.C. Jones
BLINK
The End is High (Mutant Sound System)
It says right there on the sticker of the CD case: ‘A wild fusion of techno, punk, dance and psychedelia. So now I don’t have to listen to it…but I won’t be able to sell it either so it’s kind of a hollow victory—PC Germ
THE BUSINESS
The Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth (Taang!)
Oi, the true, pure form of punk rock that will never sell out because it is hardcore from street punks. Anthems from soccer hooligans, blokes from the pub, that get knocked down but they get up again, working class heroes, South London ghetto boys. It’s the fockin’ Business you wanka’—Mickey the Bootlicker
CABOOSE
Caboose (no label)
Cacophony never had it so good. And that is a country-fried fact. But don’t pray to false idols, rock is the verifiable kind. Outside the lines, genius plays. Odds and ends for making tasty vittles. Such is the post-modern life. Everyone all together now–CABOOSE, CABOOSE, CABOOSE!—#7
CRAIG’S BROTHER
Homecoming (Tooth & Nail)
Didn’t know Craig had a brother. I knew he had a sister, Jilly, lives out in Schaumburg, got married a couple years back to that dude she met at college, I think he’s from downstate somewhere, I think I they got a couple kids, not sure. Craig’s brother the band? Oh right, slick emo-core on that Christian label, right? Here’s a song lyric from “Going Blind” that I found particularly poetic:
She’s on the beach in Maui
Her breasts are half uncovered
I try to stop myself from staring at her butt
I’m drawn like Dagwood to sleep
Or one of those big samiches he likes to eat—J. Germ
CROVETCH
Record #1 7″ (Rubato)
The four song 7 inch EP is like a tasty mint after a huge satisfying meal. It’s got some elements of electronic tomfoolery, jazzy riffs, some beats and falsetto fornification, which isn’t even a word. Thank you very much Mr. Rubato for helping me escape—Irresistible Frank
THE BILLY NAYER SHOW
The Villain that Love Built (Big Sam’s Giant Records)
The Billy Nayer Show is sort of like a show–a show on TV or something–like it’s kinda supposed to be entertaining but in reality it’s just annoying—Thee Brat
BRANDON CRUZ
The Courtship of Eddie (Taang!)
I’m a little confused about this product here. Brandon Cruz played a little kid on the Courtship of Eddie’s Father staring a pre-Hulk Bill Bixby. I never saw the show but apparently Eddie, or Brandon, grew up and as a result is a punk rocker who’s played in any number of punk rock bands over the years, of which Dr. Know and Harmful If Swallowed are a few of who’s songs also appear on this CD. There are also duets between a youthful Cruz and Bill Bixby, Harry Nilsson and Mickey Dolenz respectively. Half of this CD is kind of hard to listen to and the other half is pretty decent punk rock, you guess which is which—Joey Germ
DEAD LAZLO’S PLACE
Lonely Street (New Red Archives)
Yeah, I used to hang out at Dead Lazlo’s place down there on Lonely Street. Yep, back in the day. DLP is pretty tight, fast as all hell punk rock with some “blistering guitar action”. “Punk Rock Sleazebag Bastard” is not only the name of my cousin but it sounds like a metal oi song, if you can imagine that. Then they got some more melodic stuff like “40 Ounces” which I liked for several different reasons even though it’s not a song of celebration–the idea of which I can not grasp—Joey “40 Ouncer” Germ
DILLINGER FOUR
Midwestern Songs of the Americas (Hopeless)
Dillinger Four manage to inject a little melody into their punk rock without comin’ across like some wankin’ pop punk band. They don’t milk the hook so much you know? It makes them stand out from the rest of the pack a little, so it’s good, you know?—Joey Germ
MIKE DIXON
Dear Reglar Wiglar (no label)
What kind of no-holds-barred, full-on pandering to the media is this? Dear Reglar Wiglar is the name of your demo, Mike? Do you actually think that this will curry favor from me or the staff? You’ve got to be out of your frickin’ mind! Ironically, however, this homespun, four track recording is genuine, honest, and displays a subtle brilliance that could only be the work of a misunderstood genius. And the title–brilliant!!—Chris Auman
FARTZ
Because the World Stinks (Alternative Tentacles)
Amen, Fartz, amen—Joey Germ
FIREBALLS OF FREEDOM
The Villain that Love Built (Big Sam’s Giant Records)
The problem I have with Fireballs of Freedom is the problem I have with bands like Lolipop and Nashville Pussy and it’s that they have a rockin’, frenzied, fast-paced, no bullshit sound but it never changes from the first chord of their CD to the last and that’s just boring to me. Play a ballad for chrissakes, anything just change the tempo once in awhile—P.C. Jones
FISH
Kettle of Fish (Roadrunner)
Ya’ll should have known better than to send in a Phish CD for review. Oh, hold on a sec, it ain’t Phish. It’s Fish. My bad. Ya’ll should have known better than to send in a Fish CD for review. Actually, I was so unprepared for what this CD sounds like that I’m at a loss for words. For the most part, I mean, it’s got horns and backup vocals and a huge drum sound and it’s really fuckin’ produced and I don’t know, my head is spinning. This is just a shitty music zine, man, and this is like 70s Who and Genesis and Meatloaf and I just don’t know where this is coming from. Roadrunner is just weird sometimes—The Management
FUNERAL ORATION
Survival (Hopeless)
Funeral Oration is kind of like a sucky Smoking Popes and I’m of the opinion that the Smoking Popes are not that smoking and are kind of sucky but this is not a review of the Smoking Popes—Thee Brat
JUPITER COYOTE
Here Be Dragons (Roadrunner)
Here be some bad music. Well, perhaps “bad” is rather harsh. Let me try again: Here be some very unchallenging, passive, unexciting Hootiesque music—Joey Germ
LEAVING TRAINS
Favorite Mood Swings (Greatest Hits 1986-1995) (SST)
Well, what can I say about this, it’s twenty-five of the best Leaving Train songs on a CD. If you’re hip to the Leaving Trains then get hip to this. I’m sure you won’t be disappointed, but when it’s all said and done, Falling James still isn’t a very attractive woman, but then again, neither is your Mama—The Brat
LONGFELLOW
and so on… (Kung Fu)
Gotta be honest with yah, stay away from this one—Thee Brat
MAD CADDIE
Duck and Cover (Fat Wreck Chords)
Ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska,, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, Ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska, ska—Ska Skaska
MARVELKIND
Mini (Throwrug)
This kind of sounds a little like Brainiac, a little like Chevy Heston, a little like Mercury Rev. Doesn’t that sound fucking great? Well doesn’t it? What if it was true? Actually, I kind of like this because it does indeed employ elements of the above mentioned bands. It was even produced by David Baker of Mercury Rev—P.C. Jones
MAXIMUM PENALTY
Superlife (Velvel)
After taking a look at their band photo I would be hesitant to say these guys suck, ’cause they’re pretty beefy and could probably make short work of my skinny ass, so I will try to be a little more tactful. Ahem, at their best, Maximum Penalty sound like a half-assed Bad Brains and at their worst …. I’m gonna quit while I’m ahead here—Joey Germ
MÖTLEY CRÜE
Greatest Hits (Motely Records)
Mötley Crüe are survivors. They have survived the battles with drugs, alcohol, lawsuits, fashion, divorces, car crashes, divorces, brawls with their wives, bad tattoo decisions, groupies, divorces and with the exception of their first record, Too Fast for Love–the band’s least favorite–they’ve somehow managed to suck all along. That ain’t easy kids—P.C. Jones
MXPX
Let it Happen (Tooth & Nail)
33 songs and they all suck! Just kidding, there’s only 32 songs—P.C. Jones
NERVES
Nerves (Thrill Jockey)
The Nerves are pretty aptly named. Raw Nerves. Whole Lotta Nerves. It’s rock but it’s fucked up and twisted and spastic. Nervous. Nerve racking. Nervous breakdown. The Nerves. Say it, The Nerves—Irresistible Frank
NEW ROB ROBBIES
Pure Whore (Owned & Operated)
Oh my God, I almost forgot to review the new Rub Rubbies CD, Pure Whore!!! Hell, the Robbies are pure whores, man, and I’ll tell yah why: they’re cheap, fast (or slow), easy and they smell like five buck-a-bottle perfume. If that ain’t a whore I don’t know what that lady’s problem was last Saturday night, know what I’m sayin’? (wink, wink). I sure don’t. On a more serious note and in the interest of music journalism, I must profess to being quite impressed by this new Robbie product (a debut for the Owned & Operated label) and I must also add that this CD contains, quite possibly, the sexiest band photo ever—Joey Germ
POISON IDEA
Learning to Scream 7″ (Taang!)
Now this is what it looks like Malcolm Tent scrawled on a piece of paper which I can only guess is a review of this Poison Idea record, but since I don’t actually know for sure and that fucker isn’t around to either confirm or deny or even attest to the validity of the aforementioned document, I’m just printing it as is:
Poison Idea, 3 slabs of brown, bubbling, bank rock aggression. Zottmet!! Uggggh—M. Tent
Or something—Ed.
PULKAS
Greed (Earache)
This is that “extreme” or “new” metal you momma warned you about. London’s best kept secret, or so their press kit claims. Hey, it’s no secret, it’s just a touch too generic to really spread around too much—Jayne Wayne
THE QUEERS
Punk Rock (Hopeless)
These guys aren’t even queer for one thing and that pisses me off. I’m not queer either but I don’t go around calling myself The Queer. Know what I mean? Anyway, I think the Ramones already made this record…. twenty times! Just kidding, that was Screeching Weasel—B.S. Brown
RAMONA & BEEZUS
Built to Abandon–with a piece in head and hands–is the manor of the sun (MP)
Some of that good old fashioned arty lo-fo DIY rock. Some of it works and some of it really doesn’t—Cheese
THE SAW DOCTORS
Songs for Sun Street (Paradigm)
Sun Street? Never heard of it. Hey, it’s a paddy band. Saw Doctors play some folk and pop music and stuff but actually between you and me I think it’s kind of boring. Some people eat this shit up though—Jayne Wayne
THE SLACKERS
The Question (Hellcat)
The question is why would you name your band The Slackers, you damn slackers? Don’t you know that shit is played out? Although it’s true, when I saw that name on the front of this CD, I was quite surprised to find that The Slackers are less like Less Than Jake ska-punk and actually a legitimate reggae band and I enjoyed their CD very much. So much so that I’m not even going to sell it (which I don’t do anyway ’cause that’s just wrong and it hurts labels and musicians and everybody even though it helps me out immeasurably when times are tight which they always are). The Slackers, ladies and gentlemen, the UB40 of the 90s and it’s about time—T. Bone
SLICK SHOES
Burn Out (Tooth & Nail)
It almost sounds like the drummer is a beat or two ahead of the rest of the band–and then the drums are mixed too high on top of that and then the vocals are those annoyingly nasally kind of vocals. Malcolm’s advice: new singer, new drummer, NEXT!!!—Malcolm Tent
SCREECHING WEASEL
Television City Dream (Fat Wreck Chords)
Screeching Weasel have been around a while from what I understand. Does that make them responsible for this pop punk explosion that has been in effect for the last year or so or can we still blame that on the Ramones?—PC Ramone
THE SHEILA DIVINE
The Sheila Divine (SD)
The first song on this CD will sure mistake you for some good old fashioned 80s U2. Very emotionally charged vocals, stirring, moving. Despite the horrific band name, these guys could be big. But hey, considering the horrific band names of which Days of the New and Bare Naked Ladies are but a few, that might be more of an asset. At any rate, these guys seem to take their cur\e from the Godfathers of emocore with out buggin’ out like Bono, but hey they got another decade before leather pants and Mr. McFeesto and anyway I am rarely right in my predictions about the future of rock. Case in point; I’ve had three pairs of camouflage pants hangin’ in my closet that I’ve been waitin’ to hit the streets in for about five years now—B.S. Brown
TRONA
Red River (Roadrunner)
Sounding at times like X and Hole intermittently. There are some good songs on this CD and ‘Time Life” is one of them. Trona aren’t afraid to do outright country on a cover of Buck Owens “Take Me Back Again.” I definitely lost interest in a few places (“Driving Record”) on this but they never lost me completely and that’s sayin’ something’, ain’t it?—Jayne Wayne
ULTRAVIOLENCE
Killing God (Earchache)
Ultraviolence indeed. This CD is enough to make someone want to commit ultraviolence… against techno bands! I guess Ultraviolence is the brainchild of hardcore techno genius, Johnny Violent. It contains a “techno version of the metal classic Paranoid” But why, is my question. As a rule I don’t like techno and this does little to bend that steadfast rule—Joey Germ
VANDALS
Hitler Bad, Vandals Good (Nitro)
Half of the album title is an understatement and half is an overstatement. Which one you agree with will determine how you spend your eternal vacation. Actually the overstatement really isn’t that much of an overstatement, the Vandals are pretty good. Some of the funniest damn song lyrics I’ve read in awhile and some decent punk rock—Joey Germ
VARIOUS
Deep Thoughts by Nitro Records (Nitro)
Tracks by One Hit Wonder, Jughead’s Revenge, AFI, the godawful Offspring, a demo version of a TSOL tune. Also Guttermouth, Vandals, Sloppy Seconds. You know, it’s a sampler so if it doesn’t appeal to you by now, skip it, and vice versa—Joey Germ
VARIOUS
At War with Society (New Red Archives)
New Red Archives 99¢ Sampler. Fuck yeah, it cost 99¢ man and it’s got 33 frickin’ songs on it so your bound to get off on at least some of it. UK Subs, Christ on a Crutch, Anti-Flag, Reagan Youth and a shit load more and it’s priced like an extra value meal. What more do you want, you wanna supersize it?—Germ
VARIOUS
You Don’t Have to be Tom Jones (Coolidge)
You don’t have to be Tom Jones, but it would hurt. Seriously though, I’m not trying to be a smart ass or anything but I left this CD next to the office air conditioner for a little too long I guess, ’cause it got fucked up but good. The CD booklet is all stuck to the CD. It’s unplayable really. Why do I even bother to bring it up if I really couldn’t listen to it? I don’t know. Just for yucks. Please buy this sampler from Coolidge Records and find out for yourself. I have been no help really—P.C. Jones
WEIRD LOVEMAKERS
Flu Shot (eMpTy)
You got that slick produced punk rock bullshit played by the 90210 pretty boys and then you got the Weird Lovemakers—Joey Germ
ZED
309 Chorus (Goatboy)
Zed somehow manage to capture the feeling of chaos and, in doing so, create a picture in the listener’s mind of small children slaughtering innocent monkeys. How you perceive this will determine whether you’re going to heaven to live with Jesus or going straight to the fiery pits of hell—Scat in the Hat
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