Working with a hangover blows chunks, but fear not, Sucky the Parasitic Worm is here to help you survive your crappy existence! Today’s life lesson is how to get through work while suffering from a hangover. Also, if you have a drinking problem, get help, please!
A Guide to Working with a Hangover
Hungover on a workday? Don’t you DARE call in sick and screw over your coworkers. And don’t miss out on your bread just because you can’t hold your juice. Beat that hangover, buddy!
If you are an hourly employee with no paid sick days, you cannot afford to waste a day on a hangover. Have some fricking self-respect and suck it up, Sally. Get thee to work!
Yeah, it’s gonna suck hard but you deserve it, you moron. Maybe next time you’ll think twice about doing those 2 am whisky shots on a school night. If you absolutely must party on a school night, get smart. Make a plan to eat before, during, and after your binge. Drink some water and eat an aspirin or two before you pass out (I am not a doctor. This is not medical advice).
Oh, and try not to drink like a frat person. I realize that sometimes a night of debauchery will pop up unplanned and tackle your ass to the ground, but whenever possible, mitigate the damages.
Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz
Before you go to bed after a binge, drink some sodium bicarbonate and anhydrous citric acid, a.k.a. Alka-Seltzer, and then drink some more as soon as you wake up in the morning. Sure, it looks comforting when it’s all fizzy in a glass, but it tastes like cat piss. Slurp it down anyway and you will feel—not amazing, but amazingly less shitty.
Again, this is not medical advice. I do not have a doctoral or a master’s degree. I barely have a bachelor’s degree and it’s definitely not paid for yet.
Line that Gut With Grease
If you can manage to remember to stuff your face with some good old-fashioned grease before you go to bed after bingeing, you will be the better worker for it. Nothing too salty or you’ll be up all night chugging water. There’s nothing wrong with drinking lots of water, you’ll need to do that too, but you also need sleep. Drinking water and whizzing all night ain’t gonna help you clock those Z’s.
I personally like to eat a slinger at the conclusion of a bender. A slinger comes in different incarnations but usually goes something like this: greasy hash browns topped with two hamburger patties topped with American cheese topped with two fried eggs completely smothered in chili. Eat it with a side of white bread and a glass of milk and you will live longer than Keith Richards. Also, White Castle sliders never taste better than when your three sheets are blowing in the wind, so consider a stop there (on foot!)
The Morning After
Oh boy. I hope you remembered to eat grease last night. Here’s what you don’t want to eat now: anything acidic. Eat some dry toast. Drink some tea and a lot of water. Yes, you need caffeine, I’m not an idiot (or a doctor) but your stomach can’t handle coffee just yet. You’ll cave into your craving soon enough. Try to wait as long as you can though.
Eat a banana, an apple, a pear, maybe eat some (mildly acidic) cranberry juice. Some people think Gatorade does the trick. Some more grease won’t kill you. I usually try to get some type of sausage and egg sandwich in me around this time and at least two orders of hash browns. What can I say, the gut wants what it wants.
Stay Hydrated and Caffeinated
Your brain is going to go through a lot of peaks and valleys throughout the day. You will need to keep it hydrated and find sources of caffeine. I know I previously warned you to avoid it, but that was THEN, this is NOW! Have some coffee as soon as your stomach can handle it.
Consider other caffeine delivery systems such as Coke (that’s a capital ‘C’ on Coke, Disco Stu, don’t mess with the yeyo when you can’t even handle the hooch) or other cola products. More H2O too. Lot’s more.
Hair of the Dog
The Hair of the Dog cure basically advocates staying drunk—a very short-term solution. That said, hangovers are short-term problems. The pros don’t get hungover because they make sure to always have booze in their systems. If you have a job where the lives of others are at stake, you should really just call in sick today, but if you are an office drone or retail worker, who am I to tell you what cure to take? That said, maybe you should save this one for your day-off hangover. That’s a whole ‘nother breed.
I hope you have sense enough to listen to me and not your brain. After all, this is the same brain that told you to drink three pitchers of Busch Light last night so, obviously, it doesn’t know shit.
Try to look busy today, sport, and remember, you will live to be this stupid again, probably in a few days.
Originally published in Reglar Wiglar #27 by Chris Auman. Available from The RoosterCow Store.