Tips to Live Cheap
It’s easy living cheap. Just follow these simple tips to live cheap!
(Originally published in Reglar Wiglar #28.)
#1 Get a Restaurant Gig
One way to ensure daily nourishment is to get a gig in a restaurant. Doesn’t matter what kind of restaurant, 4-star or freakin’ Subway. You will be able to stuff your face every shift if you’re clever and parasites are nothing if not clever. Back of the house (dishwashers, prep and line cooks, etc) is better for free eats. It’s usually harder for waitstaff, especially when owners pit the front of the house (servers, bussers, bartenders) against the back making everyone the enemy. Don’t fall for it. Manja! Manja!
If you are a server/bartender, you can get a hookup if you “feed” the cooks in return. This can come in the form of booze or cash
tips, whichever you feel more comfortable with. The undiscerning disher can also take advantage of the neverending bus tub buffet. Yeah, it’s exactly what you think it is. Yum! If you work in a restaurant and you leave hungry at the end of your shift, you deserve to starve. Coward! Take what’s yours.
#2 Don’t Have Kids
Shorties cost tall cash, so wrap that rascal. Pop the pill. Coitus interrupt yourselves, youngsters. Don’t go forth and multiply if you ain’t got the cash. If you’ve already done gone ahead and had offspring, you HAVE to take care of them, so do that. Too late for you. If you have kids you don’t live with and you don’t pay child support you suck. Judge Judy will deal harshly with you and you’ll deserve it.
#3 Buy Used Stuff
Don’t buy new shit. Ever. New duds, dishware, flatware (forks, knives, spoons) glassware, electronics, furniture: buy it secondhand and get huge savings. Huge! Don’t like the word “used”? How does “pre-owned” grab you? Repeat: Don’t buy new ever. Undergarments and socks, OK fine, big box retail that stuff, but for everything else hit up the Village Thrift, St. Vinny’s, or the Salvation Army. Stay out of those fancy pants vintage stores though. They jack up the price for their “pre-owned” duds.
And don’t forget to hit the alleys on moving day. My friend Holly Hookworm scored a mattress from the alley last week. It’s disgusting, sure, but it’s better than sleeping on the floor.
#4 Don’t Buy A Car/Sell Your Car
Wanna make your preciously puny paycheck go further? Sell that heap you ride around in. Ditch that hoopty. Ride the friggin’ bus or train or whatever passes for public transportation in your town. Better yet, get a good cheap bike, Bucko. And get a helmet. People who drive hate us bike-riding scum and try to run us over all the time. Rude! If you must own an auto, think small because the bigger your car, the dumber you are. But don’t do that because cars suck. Let me put it in bullet points for you:
• Gas sucks
• Car insurance sucks
• Repairs suck
•Parking and speeding tickets suck
Some d-bag scraping up your paint job in the ALDI parking lot sucks
Was that helpful?
#5 Credit Cards
Credit card companies are hands down, the most evilest of all hustlers. Damn them all to hell forever! Store cards especially. You think 21 percent interest is messed up? It is. Pay cash.
#6 Drink Bad Beer/Do Free Stuff
Drink bad beer. It builds character. Avoid the pricey hipster suds that taste like skunk weed bong water. Also, do free stuff. Free music shows, free days at museums, neighborhood festivals, and stuff that happens in public parks. Do that stuff and not ripoff rock concerts with hefty ticket prices and processing fees. Also, take long walks to… wherever.
#7 Buy Generic
Do I really need to tell you to not buy name brand anything? I do? OK, don’t buy that shit. Buy store brand always. Except for mac and cheese. I strayed once and regretted it. Never again.
BONUS TIP: Live with a Bunch of People
When parasites stick together, we can’t lose. It is so much, much cheaper to live in a den filled with unwashed rent-paying heathens than to go it alone. Studio apartments are a ripoff. They’re expensive and tiny. If you hate other people, go live in the woods. It’s harder to spend money that way.
I hope this helps all of you little parasites out there. Keep sucking!
Learn More
Sucky has much more to teach you, boys and girls. Read his advice on how to work while hungover. It’ll make you puke!
