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Parasite Life Lesson #2: Work w/your Hangover

I am a parasite. I feed off others. I enjoy it. Here’s how I do it.

Hungover on a workday? Don’t you DARE call in sick and screw over your coworkers. And don’t miss out on your money just because you can’t hold your juice. Beat that hangover, buddy!

If you are an hourly employee with no paid sick days, you cannot afford to waste a day on a hangover. Have some fucking self respect and suck it up, Sally. Get thee to work.

Yeah, it’s gonna such hard but you deserve it, you moron. Maybe next time you’ll think twice about doing that 2am whisky shot on a school night. If you must party on a school night, get smart. Make a plan to eat before during and after your binge. Drink some water and eat an aspirin or two before you pass out (I am not a doctor. This is not medical advice).

Try not to drink like a frat person. Sometimes a soggy night will pop up unplanned and tackle your ass to the ground, but whenever possible mitigate the damages.

Plop, plop, fizz, fizz

Take some sodium bicarbonate and anhydrous citric acid, aka Alka-Seltzer, before you go to bed and then drink some more as soon as you wake up in the morning/afternoon. It's fizzy and comforting and it tastes like cat piss but slurp it down and you will feel—not amazing, but amazingly less shitty.

Again, this is not medical advice. I do not have a PhD, or a masters. I barely have a Bachelor of Arts degree and it's definitely not paid for yet.

Line that Gut With Grease

If you can manage to remember to stuff your face with some good old fashioned grease before you go to bed, you will be the better worker for it. Nothing too salty or you’ll be up all night chugging water. There’s nothing wrong with drinking lots of water, you’ll need to do that too, but also you need some sleep. Drinking water and pissing all night isn’t going to help you clock those Z’s.

I personally like to eat a slinger at the conclusion of a bender. Too bad the Diner Grill burnt up on Christmas eve, but their slinger went like this: greasy hash browns topped with two hamburger patties topped with American cheese topped with two fried eggs completely smothered in chili. Eat it with a side of white bread and a glass of milk and you will live longer than Keith Richards.

The Morning After

Oh boy. I hope you remembered to eat grease last night. Here’s what you don’t wanna eat now: anything acidic or citrusy. Eat some some dry toast. Drink some tea and a lot of water. Yes, you need caffeine, I’m not an idiot (or a doctor) but your stomach can’t handle coffee just yet. You’ll cave to your craving soon enough. Try to wait as long as you can though.

Eat a banana, an apple, a pear, maybe eat some cranberry juice. Some people think Gatorade doe the trick. Some more grease won’t kill you. I usually try to get a sausage and egg McMuffin and at least two orders of hash browns in me around this time. The gut wants what it wants.

Sweat it Out

Your tired brain is going to try telling you not to workout this morning. This is the same brain that told you to drink three pitchers of Busch Light the night before so don’t listen to it. It obviously doesn’t know shit. You need to sweat out those toxins if you can. Ride your bike to work since you already gave up your car as I commanded previously.

Stay Hydrated and Caffeinated

Your brain is going to go through a lot of peaks and valleys throughout the day. You will need to keep it hydrated and find sources of caffeine. I know I previously warned you to avoid it, but that was THEN, this is NOW! Have some coffee as soon as your stomach can handle it.

Consider other caffeine delivery systems such as Coke (that’s a capital 'C' on Coke, Disco Stu, don’t mess with the yeyo when you can't even handle the hooch), Pepsi or other cola product. More H20 too. Lot’s more.

Hair of the Dog

The hair of the dog cure basically advocates staying drunk—a very short-term solution. That said, hangovers are short-term problems. Alcoholics don’t get hung over because they make sure to always have booze in their systems. If you have a job where the lives of others are at stake, you should really just call in sick today, but if you are an office drone or retail worker, who am I to tell you what cure to take? Maybe you should save this one for your day-off hangover. That's a whole 'nother breed.

Try to look busy today, sport and remember, you’ll live to be this stupid again.

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