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Parasite Life Lesson #4: Proper Restaurant Etiquette

I am a parasite. I feed off others. I enjoy it. Here’s how I do it.

#1 Ordering Takeout

When ordering take out from a restaurant, it's really not necessary to take a look at the menu before you call in your order. There will be plenty of time to decide what you want once you're on the phone. This is especially important when you are ordering for a large group of people. The stooge taking your phone order is more than likely a big loser with nothing better to do than to spend ten minutes on the phone with you while you and your obnoxious buddies figure out what you want.

If you don't have a menu from that particular restaurant, no problem. The poor schmuck will be happy to describe every entree on the menu in great detail. Feel free to ask what their favorite dish is as well as what the most popular menu items are, how they're prepared, with what ingredients, etc, etc, etc.

Get a quick run down on the price of each menu item as well. You are entitled to as much information as you demand. Ask how long your order will take. If they say twenty minutes, arrive at the restaurant in five and act all put out and impatient. Say something really clever like, "What are they killing the cow back there?" The restaurant drones will think that this is funny as they will have never heard that joke before. Don't tip them either. They make plenty of money, believe me.

It's also totally OK to be blabbing on your cell phone the entire time. This is true whether you are ordering a hamburger from a fast-food restaurant or simply buying an energy drink at your corner convenience mart. If the counter person or clerk actually has the gall to try to ask you a question while you're on the phone, or to inform you of your total, you should be more than a little annoyed. Apologize to whomever it is you are talking to: "I'm sorry could you hold on a second? I have to give some a-hole my order." Your insipid conversation about nothing at all with your equally vacuous colleague trumps any conversation, transaction or interaction you may be having in the "real world."

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#2 Ordering Delivery

When ordering food for delivery, don't worry about having your credit card ready. Is it upstairs in your other purse? Is it in your wallet out in the car? That's ok, go get it, they'll wait, after all, they want your business. It doesn't matter that they may be busy. Take your time. See previous entry for Ordering Takeout, then apply the following techniques for delivery. After you've finished ordering, but before they have a chance to give you the total, ask for the total. Act all surprised at the price. Ask for a break down then tell them you still don't see how that adds up to the price they've given you. Take your time, let the information sink in. "Ahhh, the tax, I forgot about the tax!!! Because there's taxes on everything these days. HAHAHAHA!!!"

If they tell you that your delivery will be about an hour, repeat that back in a shocked voice, "An hour!?" It's just an estimate of course, and there's no way they can tell you exactly when it will arrive, but tell them that if they could get it there sooner, you'd appreciate it. They may have said an hour, but don't bother looking at your watch to see when you called. Listen to your stomach instead. If your fat gut tells your pizza should have arrived by now, don't hesitate to call up the restaurant and demand to know where your food is. Be a dick about it and demand to know exactly where the driver is and the exact minute he or she will arrive. What? They don't have a GPS tracking device on your Chinese take-out? They're not tracking your meatball sandwich with a satellite? Assholes! Demand a discount.  

#1 Live Cheap (Be Free!)

#2 Work w/your Hangover

#3 Proper Phone Etiquette

#4 Proper Restaurant Etiquette

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