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Parasite Life Lesson #1: Live Cheap (Be Free)

I am a parasite. I feed off others. I enjoy it. Here’s how I do it.

#1 Get a Restaurant Gig

One way to ensure daily nourishment is to get a gig in a restaurant. Doesn’t matter what kind of restaurant, 4-star or freakin’ Subway. You will be able to stuff your face every shift if you’re clever and parasites are nothing if not clever. Back-of-the house (dishwashers, prep and line cooks, etc) is better for free eats. It’s usually harder for waitstaff, especially when owners pit the front-of-the-house (servers, bussers, bartenders) against the back making everyone the enemy. Don’t fall for that shit.

If you are a server/bartender, you can get a hookup if you “feed” the cooks in return. This can come in the form of booze or cash tips, whichever you feel more comfortable with. The undiscerning disher can also take advantage of the never ending bus tub buffet. Yeah, it's exactly what you think it is.

Yum! If you work in a restaurant and you leave hungry at the end of your shift, you deserve to starve. Coward! Take what’s yours.

#2 Don't Have Kids

Shorties cost tall cash. Wrap that rascal. Pop "the" pill. Coitus interrupt yourselves, youngsters. Don't go forth and multiply if you ain't got the cash. If you’ve already done gone ahead and had offspring, you HAVE to take care of them, so do that. Too late for you. If you have kids you don’t live with and you don’t pay child support you suck. Judge Judy will deal harshly with you and you’ll deserve it.

#3 Buy Used Stuff

Don’t buy new shit. Ever. New duds, dishware, flatware (forks, knives, spoons) glassware, electronics, furniture: buy it second hand and get huge savings. Huge. Don’t like the word “used”, how does "pre-owned" grab you? You are fancy, aren’t you. Repeat: Don't buy new ever. Undergarments and socks, okay fine, go to Target for that stuff, but for everything else, hit up the Village Thrift, St. Vinny’s or the Salvation Army. Stay out of those fancy pants vintage stores though.

Don’t forget to hit the alleys on moving day. My friend Nicky scored a mattress from the alley last week. It’s disgusting, sure, but it’s better than humping on the floor. (See #2 above)

#4 Don't Buy A Car/Sell Your Car

Wanna make your preciously puny paycheck go further? Sell that heap you ride around in. Ditch that hoopty. Ride the friggin’ bus or train or whatever passes for public transportation in your town. Better yet, get a good cheap bike, Bucko. And get a helmet. People who drive hate us bike-riding scum and try to run you us over all the time. Rude!

Again, cars are expensive and they suck. Here, let me put it in bullet points for you:

  • Gas sucks
  • Car insurance sucks
  • Repairs suck
  • Parking and speeding tickets suck
  • Some d-bag scraping up your paint job in the Aldi parking lot sucks

Was that helpful?

Remember, the bigger your car the dumber you are. The car gotta go. Now!

#5 Credit Cards

Credit card companies are hands down, the most evilest of all hustlers. Damn them all to hell forever! Store cards especially. You think 21 pecent interest is fucked up? It is. Pay cash.

#6 Drink Bad Beer/Do Free Shit

Drink bad beer. It builds character. Avoid the pricey hipster suds that taste like skunk weed bong water. Also, do free shit. Free music shows, free day at museums, neighborhood festivals and stuff that happens in public parks. Do that stuff and not ripoff rock concerts with hefty ticket prices and processing fees. Also, take long walks to... wherever. It’s free.

#7 Buy Generic

Do I really need to tell you to not buy name brand anything? I do? Ok, don’t buy that shit. Buy store brand always. Except for mac and cheese. Kraft does it best. I’ve strayed once and regretted it. Never again.

#8 Live with a Bunch of People

When parasites stick together, we can’t lose. It is so much, much cheaper to live in a den filled with unwashed rent-paying heathens than to go it alone. Studio apartments are a ripoff. They’re expensive and tiny. If you hate other people, go live in the woods. It's harder to spend money that way.  

#1 Live Cheap (Be Free!)

#2 Work w/your Hangover

#3 Proper Phone Etiquette

#4 Proper Restaurant Etiquette

© Parasite Life