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Certain CD promos, certain demo tapes, certain seven inch singles that record companies send us, and even things we fucked up and paid for, get special treatment here at the Reglar Wiglar Offices. Which brings us to another installment of:

Western Avenue

The Longest noncurving street in the world


Western Avenue, the longest, if not the cruelest, dirtiest, most unforgiving and merciless, noncurving street in the world: I've seen it rear its ugly, asphalt-coated head, open its guardrail jaws and devour countless autos, hapless pedestrians and innocent school children. I've seen it destroy people's lives, loves and dreams. So, if we listen to something and it really offends us--pisses us off because it sucks so bad—yeah, you catch on quick, it gets the toss down to Western Avenue, where it don't last log, genius—J. Germ

Jamies Walters
self-titled
(Atlantic)

Aka Ray Pruitt from the hit Fox television programBeverly Hills 90210. If you found yourself slowly, but surely, falling in love with the music and voice (and boyish good looks) of 90210's Ray Pruitt, you'll want to run right out and buy a copy of this Jamie Walters CD and play it over and over again. You'll find solace in his soothing voice and hope in his heartfelt lyrics. Or you can do waht we did and give it the toss down to Western Ave.A Hasselhoff record coulda lasted longer under that Yugo.

David Hasselhoff
self-titled
(Critique BMG)

Hasselhoff may mean big blue-eyed stud in German but in English it still means Big Old Chunk of Moldy Cheese.As much as I laugh at Hasselhoff's work as an actor, he's much better holding in his gut on the beaches of Southern California than he is belting out annoying covers of classic songs. I thought for sure Hasselhoff was tuffer than that little Walters twerp, but no such luck, not under the wheels of that Toyota Camry.

Sponge
Rotting Pinata (Sony)

What is the primary function of a sponge? Sponges suck. And so do records by bands named Sponge. What is one definition of a sponge? Kick it Webster's—"to live at another's expense." Yeah, like Sponge lives at the expense of sponges Stone Temple Pilots! You know what sponge cake is? It's cake made without shortening. Fuck that!

Wheeeeee! This CD didn't even make it past the sidewalk 'cause it sucked in the wind too. Ha haaaaaa!

The Blow Pops
American Beauties (Get Hip)

Shattered on impact.

7669
From a Bad Block (Motown)

Instantly swept under a large furniture truck with Michigan plate, perhaps headed back to Motown.

Mortal Combat
The Album (Vernon Yard)

I'd like to shake the hand of the prodigy in marketing who initiated the "theme music from a violent video game" trend. I hope it lasts as long as this particular copy lasted under that Chevy Blazer. Yeehaw!

Sin Nation Sinsation
The Second Coming of... (Metalli-Sized)

This CD exploded and literally disappeared upon impact.

Pole Smoker
Devine Persperation (RoosterCow)

Once you hit a police cruiser with a Pole Smoker CD, it's pretty much game over.

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