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review:

Record reviews written in 45 seconds

It's down to the wire again in the Record Review Department, another deadline rising, another three months of continuous inactivity and general fucking around. The tequila supply is waning and the troops are whining and it's time to crank this mother out. You've got 45 seconds before I call time, maggots. Go!

FIVE BY NINE
Five by Nine 7" EP (Soda Jerk)
Punk rock with melody. Sounds like there's a Bad Religion mojo working here. A big Bad Religion mojo. No time to check the lyric sheet for socially aware themes—TIME!

FREAK MAGNET
Clean Shave/Looks Familiar 7" (Scratchie)
Ah, my nemesis, Skrachee Records, we meet again. I see you have sent me another one of your releases. Excellent! I will enjoy very much writing a review of this new record that you have sent to me, ha ha ha—TIME!

GOBLINS
Goblin vs. Goblin double 7" (Mind of a Child)
Two slabs of vinyl serve up the Goblins latest 7" effort with each Goblin taking a side to outdo the other and asking the question who is the better Goblin. Well, after listening closely to each song I would have to say, without a doubt, that the most ridiculous--excuse me--artistic Goblin would definitely be, without question—TIME!

(That last one actually took slightly longer than 45 seconds but sometimes a gag needs to be set up properly if it is to be effective. Sorry for any inconvenience this break in continuity may have caused you.)

MAO TSE HELEN
Mao Tse Helen 7" EP (Shameless)
Oh Christ! Ahhhh, Butthole Surfers, drugs, all kinds of shit going off, noises--hope you're having a good time tonight--whistles? Must try to think clearly...must finish review—TIME!

THE MR. T EXPERIENCE
...and I will be with you. 7"(Lookout!)
First song is a hard edged 80s sounding, pop punk tune. Flip side is a cover of some 70s ditty that should have been left uncovered, then back to the pop punk thing on the last—TIME!

OLROCK
Ambulance Spanking Seizure (Funeral/Monstro)
Thick, heavy, fiendish, death, funerals, suffering, pain, screaming, horrific voices, beastly voices. I think... am... becoming and Orlock.. help... me—TIME!

APPLESEED CAST
The End of the Ring Wars (Deep Elm)
Powerful, emotional--an indie rock triumph from the first song to the second... and then it would be time for another approach—TIME!

CROSS MY HEART
Cross My Heart (Deep Elm)
One of many, many bands I've heard in the past year or so that sound pretty much exactly like this. Sensitive indie rock or emocore or emoindiecore or something—TIME!

SWINDLE
Better of Dead (Cargo)
Punk. Punk Rock. Pretty basic, follow-the-rules-of-punk-rock punk rock. Nuthin' new, nuthin' very exciting, nuthin'. If you actually paid for this, that's where the Swindle part comes in—TIME!

SEE SPOTS
Word Order (Deep Reverb)
Mostly instrumental music which is good 'cause a lot of bands should stop right before they let their vocalist loose on the microphone. Just stop and rethink the situation is all I ask. Which I think these guys did. Which is good—TIME!

FINGER ELEVEN
tip (Wind-Up)
Uugggh! Sweet Old Style take me away...—TIME!

POP UNKNOWN
Summer Season Kills (Deep Elm)
Hey, I've known pop like this before! This here is a five song EP of pop music that may or may not move you depending on if you listen to a lot of good music or not. Ahh the safety of ambiguity. No, I do not have to form an opinion on every piece of music ever recorded. That's a myth—TIME!

THEE PSYCHIC HEARTS
Thenceforthpsychinhearts 7" (Airborne Virus)
Side A is some pretty good Bailter Space toe-gazing rock and the b-side is just a B-side at best, maybe even a c-side—TIME!

TREPAN NATION
Banish Gods from the Skies and Capitalists from Earth (Harmless)
It's like having somebody drill a friggin' hole right into your friggin' skull in some attempt at corrective brain surgery, or something—TIME!

TRAVEL
Opus Oil Slick # Said Same (Starfish)
I'm not sure what's going on here, a lot of different stuff that's for sure—TIME!

THREE FINGER COWBOY
Kissed (Daemon)
Three Finger Cowboy got kind of an 80s sounding pop sound, including what could best be described as a rewrite of "Kids in America" by Kim Wilde (I think, it's been awhile). The songs seldom seem to vary very much and the CD got kind of annoying. I give 'em one finger out of three—TIME!

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