CHECK . . . PLEASE!!!
We spend a lot of time around Wiglar Headquarters thinking... thinking and asking questions about what it would take to make the Wiglar a more "legitimate" publication. What would it take to turn this rag into a more valued part of the community while at the same time helping the local economy? What could we possibly do to give the Reglar Wiglar a little more class? And then it hits us: restaurant reviews! What if we gave a couple of our best writers five bucks and sent them out to review a few of the local eateries? Yeah, we spend a lot of time around here thinking... thinking and asking questions...
MCDONALDS
The one on Ashland, 1 block north of Diversey (by the Jewel)
I do not eat at McDonalds much for I realize that they are corporate hamburglars who exploit their workers and our environment, produce genetically manipulated food with little or no nutritional value, contribute to much of the litter on our street and do so in the name of the almighty dollar, etc. Having made this claim, let me also confess that sometimes, every once in awhile, more as a punishment than as a reward, I do lunch at the Arches and it is always, without exception, a pretty traumatic experience, physically and mentally, and it usually leaves me feeling quite depressed. This most recent outing was no exception.
Ambiance
Small children simply adore the greasy McDonalds experience and this particular establishment was certainly no exception. The joint was ripe with young children running helter skelter through the aisles, snot glistening from their little button noses. Some of these precious little darlings were mild-mannered, some maniacal, but all were freakish in their own special and unique way (like snowflakes). Truly a microcosm of society, I suppose, but this only added to my inability to enjoy that which is hard enough to enjoy in complete solitude, unfettered by the irksome squeaks and high pitched squeals of children, but I knew this going in so I can hardly feign surprise.
Service
In attempting to order my food, I chose to stand in the line that I perceived to be the shortest, not because I believed it to be the fastest line but, as it was the shortest, it was the most appealing to me. It turned out that contrary to Murphy's Law and more in line with some sort of scientific equation loosely based on common sense, it was in fact the fastest line. Consequently, I burned a good many of my fellow patrons with my line judging ability which seemed to perturb the previously peppy middle-aged cashier whose privilege it was to take my order. It bothered this man to such a degree that he did not thank me for my patronage and was further miffed by me request for ketchup packets, but I've already bored enough of my colleagues with the details of that pointless story, so I'll skip it.
Cuisine
Of course my friends were cold by the we we (my fries and I) had traveled the short distance from the counter to my table. I had selected this spot due to its excellent view of both entrance (or exits if you're a pessimist--it's like that half empty glass of water scenario) to the restaurant (you never know when some misanthropic gun-toting freak is gonna step in a take a lifetime of grievances out on the innocent patrons of the karmic waste dump that is the fast food restaurant establishment). So anyway, these fries, long the pride of McDonald's and a bit of a bone of contention with other burger joints who lay claim to the tastier fry, were not only cooling at an alarming rate, they were also a far cry from the golden lives of Idaho perfection that you're likely to see in any one of McDonalds five hundred thousand TV commercial's.
It should be mentioned that for my entree I selected a Super Value meal involving a Big Mac, a beverage of some size (probably medium), and the aforementioned disappointing fires. For those not familiar with fast food logic, there are three different grades of Super Value meals; medium or regular being the smallest f them. There's plenty of humor there but you can suss it out yourself, I really don't have the energy having used most of it to digest my Big Mac (the good news is that I was full for nine hours afterwards.)
In conclusion, if you'll indulge me, I'd like to take a crack at that secret Big Mac sauce. Ummm, let's see, probably some combination of mayo, pickles, and ketchup, sometimes called Russian dressing (though probably not in Russia) or Thousand Island dressing (in trailer parks outside of Russia).
$$$
Super Value is not empty promised, I will say that. For four dollars and twenty-five cents, not only was my stomach full, but I was also reminded of the unpleasantness of eating at such a restaurant as McDonalds. This memory jolt will keep me out of McDonalds and their ilk for a good while and therefore keep my body that much healthier possibly leading to a longer, more productive life. This dining experience also gave me the chance to reconnect with my fellow citizens in a public area, reminding me at well that I don't care much for my fellow citizens, I never have and i don't forsee a time that I ever will.
Check, please!--Julio Achilles
BURGER KING
Western Ave across from the Cineplex with the most uncomfortable seats in the world.
Apparently the Whopper is forty-five years old this year and this particular Burger King is celebrating my the posting of signs to give credit to a few of the ingredients that have made this milestone possible. One element that Burger King attributes to the longevity of the world's second most famous sandwich is the use of the "old fashioned dill pickles." I personally wasn't aware that there had been such an amazing leap in pickle technology that would make a distinction between the old and new schools of dill pickles necessary, but then again I don't really follow that sort of thing. Of course the distinction that sets BK burgers apart from every other fast food burger is the famous "flame-broiled" cooking method; Burger King hamburgers aren't grilled or fried, they're "flame-broiled." To tell you the truth, "flame-broiled" really doesn't mean much to me. If your hamburgers taste like shit, it doesn't really matter how they got that way. The damage has been done.
Ambiance
Ambiance? Please!
Cuisine
It should be evident at this point exactly how I felt about the Whopper I ingested. I sincerely hated it. The fries on the other hand were, very, very salty. You might even go so far as to say that they were way too fucking salty to enjoy. As for the beverage, the ice melted quickly in my "Coke or Pepsi or whatever" (that's how I order it in restaurants and movie theaters 'cause I'm so oblivious to name brands--and so cool!) making it all watery and therefore not so good.
Service
The cashier was pretty spaced out. He made several attempts to give my change to the guy next to me. The woman in BK gear leaning up against the waste receptacle by the door did say goodbye which I wasn't expecting at all. It was a nice touch though, especially after the horrible, horrible food that was now churning in my gut.
$$$
Under five bucks. That's a deal, I gotta admit.
Check, please!--Julio Childs
WHITE CASTLE
Armitage & Milwaukee
There was this place that my friends and I used to go to when we were in high school called Burger Express. It was a rung or two below your McDonalds and your White Castles and a couple more steps below Burger King. We're talking a completely different level of fast food nastiness, but it was a buck or two cheaper than McDonalds and if K-Mart didn't pan out (at closing time we could sometimes get them to give us the unsold egg rolls, tacos, and corn dogs from the cafeteria for half price) the other option was The Express where we could gorge ourselves on their grade D cuisine and for a few fleeting moments, forget about our awkward, pimpled lives in a teenage vacuum.
Cut-rate mozz sticks, third rate burgers, onion rings and breaded mushroom fried to hell and back, they really know how to destroy food at that place. But, like most of life's great pleasures, it was short-lived and soon after we had gorged ourselves, like clockwork, we would all suffer the same symptoms simultaneously: headache, dry mouth, followed by nausea and then, by the time we made it home (if the gods were pleased with us that day) after a mad dash to the bathroom, the Burger Express left the station right on schedule.
So that brings me, finally to White Castle, a guilty pleasure if there ever was one.
Cuisine
Sliders, (as White Castle hamburgers are called for their ability to slide in one end and out the other with ease) you either love 'em or you hate 'em or you're like me and you're pretty ambivalent towards them. Yeah, some people like White Castle hamburgers. Some people like sniffing glue too, but that doesn't make it good for you.
Service
I was thee only customer in the restaurant. The workers outnumbered me three to one. They were communicating with headsets and had a lot of other technology at their disposal but it didn't seem to help them. I guess fast food can't be rushed.
Ambiance
It was late in the evening on a Sunday and the seating section was closed and by closed I mean that it was barricaded with metal bars. Consequently, I had to order my diner to go. Which is just as well when I think of the collection of freaks that could be congregating in White Castle at this time of night.
This is what I ordered: three hamburgers, large onion rings, and a side of cheese sauce. This is what I got: three cheeseburgers, small onion rings and no cheese sauce. Three strikes. The cheese sauce error was corrected easily enough with the additional payment of fifty-four cents. I didn't bother with the rest, the onion rings weren't for me and the food took such an extraordinarily long time to prepare that I didn't want to deal with it.
$$$
One could pose the question, instead of selling four tiny burgers for fifty cents a piece, why not make one hamburger that's four time the size and charge two bucks? Because no one would pay two bucks for a White Castle hamburger but they will pay more for less if they perceive that they are getting a bargain. But the fact remains that you can buy a lot of food for cheap at the Castle and the Castle sells a lot of burgers. After all, it is a castle and not a shack--no offense to Harold's Chicken Shack numbers one through forty-seven.
Check, please!--Julio Childs.
TACO BELL/KFC
Corner of Irving Park Road and California
A few years ago, Kentucky Fried Chicken underwent a public image makeover and became KFC. At the time, there was a rumor going around that they were forced to change their name by the FDA. Kentucky Fried Chicken, so the legend went, had developed a bird with three legs and four wings but no feathers, beak or feet, and that's what they were frying up Extra Crispy or Original Recipe. Apparently, the FDA's um beef with this was that CHICKENS ARE SUPPOSED TO HAVE A BEAK, FEET, FEATHERS AND ONLY TWO LEGS AND TWO WINGS! So Kentucky Fried Chicken became KFC and everybody stayed honest. Quite a compelling and believable story, but it turns out the real reason they made the change was because they didn't want "fried" in their name anymore. The nature of the body parts they are frying remains of no consequence, hence the name of the restaurant (does Kentucky Fried Chicken count as a restaurant?). Not long after that, these little team-ups with Taco Bell, (the fare of both KFC and TB is available) started popping up where one or another of the two franchises were having trouble. No one doubts Taco Bell's claim of tacos-as-tacos, but there is certainly controversy abrew within.
Cuisine
Five stars, Taco Bell only (Adam Parfey once met Harlan Sanders in a hotel somewhere and [this was late in Sander's life] the Colonel said of his former company's product, "They couldn't pay me to eat that shit," and I concur). Taco Bell has been serving the finest chain/franchise food in the free world for nearly three decades. Because of the dual personality of the menu at this location, they stick to the basics. Abominations like the Double-Decker Taco, Chalupa, and Meximelt are not for sale here. If you're into fusion, Taco Bell lunch or dinner with KFC Parfait dessert is an excellent combination.
Service
My order was prepared and handed over to me and the inevitable question asked: "Hottomildsaucewifyo order today, sir?"
"I'd like some hot sauce, please," I answered proudly. Pandemonium erupted as the uniformed Taco Bell cashier discovered that there was not Taco Bell hot sauce, only KFC hot sauce. The manager, he in KFC managerial get-up, came to the rescue. "It doesn't matter, they're both the same!" he explained, and I believed him. I should have asked him what he knew about the "chickens."
Ambiance
Placid and cozy. You won't be bothered by a large crowd here. There are only four tables (all of them booths) in the dining room, and all provide a beautiful view of verdant Horner Park, just across the street. Extra accouterments and the reach cans are never more than a few convenient steps away. Unlimited soft drink refills make this a splendid place to wile away the afternoon, daydreaming.
$$$
Once again, stick with the Taco Bell side of the menu and order a la carte. The value meals are overpriced and to include a comically large and unwieldy soft drink cup. Order a regular sized drink (yes, Taco Bell also maintains this conceit there is no "small" size), and make the most of those free refills. Order wisely and you can stuff yourself to the bursting point for under $5. You can walk it off with a stroll through the park.
Check . . . Please!!!--Wolfing Puke
SUBWAY
Strip mall on Broadway, just north of Bergen
You know those coupons they print on the back of you receipt from the grocery store?
Ambiance
Nonexistent. A few tables, décor overwhelmingly sepia-toned. Huh. I'll take it to go, thanks.
Cuisine/Service
First off, the ordering procedure at Subway is pretty peculiar: you stand face to face with the "sandwich artist" and talk to them through the creation of your meal. A dialog is established. "What kind of bread would you like?" (Ceramic replicas of the options are on display to aid the undecided). "What kind of cheese? Lettuce? Tomatoes? Pickles? Peppers?" These artists approach their work like the guildsmen of the Rococo period. I ordered a steak and cheese sandwich. "Steak, cheese, and bread. That's all I want." By the time the Sandwich Artist had offered me olives, jardiniere, mayonnaise, and (this one startled me), salad dressing. The sandwich, eventually made to my specifications, was pretty darn good. I had to heat it up in the oven at home in order to get the white cheese-like stuff under the meat to melt. While I was warming my sandwich, I read the nutritional information printed on the napkin. It was, um, informative. Subway Select Horseradish Steak and Cheese, the sandwich was called, and I'll order it again, if I ever get another one of those nifty coupons.
$$$
Sandwich and a bag of Cheetos: $4.12.
Check . . . Please!!!--Wolfgang Puke
ROCK & ROLL MCDONALDS
Across the street from the spiritual center of Chicago's innovative Concept Dining District.
Among the Concepts: rock & roll (Phil Collins, Yngwie Malmstee, Nirvana, etc)/ artifacts/burgers/nachos at the Hard Rock Café; waitresses with big tits/burgers/hot wings at Hooters; rock & roll (Elvis, Dion, Everly Bros.)/artifacts/burgers/ shakes (WITH ATTITUDE!) at Ed Debevic's slimy creatures/malaria/burgers/t-shirts at Rainforest Cafe; sports/burgers at ESPN Zone. There used to be a place called Al Capone's that was gangsters/burgers. Planet Hollywood was movie stars/burgers. Michael Jordan's Restaurant was like the ESPN Zone but all sports were Michael Jordan. They had burgers! The all-time best of these types of places is Alice Cooper'stown which is like the Hard Rock Café and ESPN Zone both in the same place, but all rock & roll is Alice Cooper. It's in Phoenix, so if you're ever there be sure to go. It's across the street from the baseball stadium. However.
Service
While the crew here has a serious case of the uglies (Best Looking Food Order Takers in Chicago: Demon Dogs), service is swift and orders are taken and executed accurately. Mid-lunch rush on nice warm spring day (no school this week, so the place is just lousy with rugrats). I had my food three minutes after I walked in. Five Stars!!
Ambiance
It's supposed to reflect the spirit of rock and roll or some crap, but to my sensibilities, self-destruction is the theme. On the OUTSIDE OF THE BUILDING, they've got monster-sized cut-outs of Elvis, James Dean, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison (for fuck's sake) and Marilyn Monroe. They've also got Buddy Holly (bad luck, that's all). Little Richard (kind of a swish, wouldn't you say), The Beatles (John: booze, acid. Paul: pot, coke for a while in the 80s. George: acid. Ringo: booze, coke) and The Supremes (they sued each other). Inside, more of the same. My favorite stuff: a neon sign that says MICK JAGGER in pink with a pair of non-Stones logo lips in pink and green; the old Archies driving it; the wall of non-rock (or roll) related stuffed animals (Looney Tunes, Beanie Babies, Muppets). I like to sit at the table with all of Elvis's gold records.
Cuisine
It's fuckin' McDonalds!
$$$
You get what you pay for. In my case, a small shake and large fries. Guess how much? If you guessed $4.65, well then, you're only off by two cents.
Check . . . Please!!!--Wolfgang Puke
HOOTERS
On North Wells in River North (where all the tourists flock)
Some workdays, I can only get away for a two hour lunch, so I often have to make impulsive lunch choices--I go with my gut. That's how I found out about this place called Hooters. The outside of Hooters is pretty nondescript. It kind of looks like some backwoods raodhouse that got sucked up by a funnel cloud and was plopped down right smack dab in the middle of the city--a place I would normally avoid, but when I saw the neon beer signs and the humorous looking owl on the sign out front, I chuckled to myself. I didn't know who this Hooter character was. but I wanted to check out his restaurant.
Service
Superb!!!
Ambiance
Excellent!!!
Cuisine
I ordered the buffalo chicken sandwich which is basically a breaded chicken breast done up like a buffalo wing. It had the potential to be quite tasty, however, it was not. The sandwich was served with a side of mayonnaise instead of the blue cheese dressing one normally associated with the spicy Buffalo win. The accompanying curly fries were merely fries that were cut into a curly shape and not of the spicy variety that you would normally associate with a curly fry from Arby's for example. If someone is going out of their way to make a curly fry, they why not add some pizzazz? The cut of the fry doesn't really affect the taste in most cases. I don't even think these Hooter fries were even fried, more like blanched. They were pretty flaccid. But bland food is why they invented condiments I suppose. A little ketchup and I was ready to deal on those limp spuds, but for some reason I had trouble concentrating on the task at hand and managed to squirt quite a bit of ketchup on my pants which required a quick trip to the restroom to dab cold water on my khaki shorts. Not a good look.
Hooters, in spite of its charms, does have the most uncomfortable table and chair configuration I have ever sat in. The stools are way to high forcing you to have to look down at your waitress, and with the tight, low-cut T-shirts these ladies wear, it's doubly uncomfortable position to be in. And there's no backs on the chairs. It's almost as if they didn't want me to get comfortable and spend an entire afternoon in their restaurant drinking pitcher after pitcher of beer
$$$
Reasonably priced, but for some reason I left my server and busser two gigantic tips.
Check . . . Please!!!--Julio Childs