LETTERS

From RW #21 (2005)

Good Day Good Doctors,

Decibators--great band. Fun guys. Great interview. Really enjoyed the other interviews as well, very colorful, entertaining, true to form and just downright fun and entertaining.

Just thought you might want to know, the name of the band in Columbia, MO that the Decibators are referring in the interview is The Ham, not the Him. Keep up the great work on the Reglar Wiglar.

Thanks!

Dr. Haguss E. Fernoss
The Ham
Director of Marketing & Promotions & Fart Gags

From RW #18 (2003)

Hello to all at Reglar Wiglar,

I was surprised, pleased and ashamed when I read yr article about/interview with Federation X. Surprised because they are from shoreworthy Bellingham, and you, Chicago. Pleased, because someone's finally paying attention to this fucking place, and ashamed (at myself) because I had never heard of them before 'til I read yr interview! Jesus Christ on a rotating spit, I am out of this "loop" we call the Bellingham scene. But thank you Illinois people for paying attention to it. Bellingham ain't so bad. We gots band and we gots some venues and we gots a mission to conquer the world with unique garage dudes.

Marissa Darlingh

Hi,

My name is Jeremy Reglar. I live in Adelaide, South Australia. I just discovered your magazine and now consider my melon well and truly twisted.

Cheers,
Jeremy Reglar

Dear Chris, Joey, all the shitworkers, and Reglar Wiglar faithful,

Garage rock! Garage rock! Vrooom, vrooom, vroooom! Garage rockers! Hey! George from Garage Jacker Zine here. We've got to save the scene! Last week at the Drano Suckers/ Broke Cobras show, I had to wait too long to get a beer, because the bar was full of trendy posers! They drank all the cans of Shaeffer and I didn't know what else to order, because the Flophouse doesn't have PBR anymore, and Huber gives me a stomach ache. By the time I settled on a Budweiser, I had missed half the Cobra's set! I'm like their biggest fan in town. I was into them way before anyone else! If it wasn't for me, Trashy Tony Webster would've never put 'em on the Webster's Dictionary of Rawk 'N' Roll (Webster's Place Record cat. #4783) compilation! And because I had to spend extra for all my beers, I could only afford two t-shirts and a ten inch, and I really needed the new CD compilation of all their old singles. Of course, I've already got all the vinyl but the CDs got a different mix of "Drinkin' at the Drive-In"! that kicks way more ass. I'd also like to complain about how they raised the beer prices and how those losers probably don't have any of those Los Detroit Chumps import seven inches from Japan that I got in'99--TWO MONTHS BEFORE THEY WERE RELEASED DOMESTICALLY! Not to mention the split double seven inch with the Curly Cunthairs that you could only get through mail order from Half-Tanked Records if you know the secret password. I mean, come on, I was drinking cheap beer way before any of those posers. Have you seen how long they wear their wallet chains??!! And what's up with those shoes??!!!!???! Obviously, they don't know anything about real Garage Rock. Well, enough complaining, I'm here to fix shit. I just want to put the word out to all the true Garage Rockers out there that Our Scene is being infiltrated by posers and I don't want to see them take over and ruin it for the true believers in Real Raw Rock and Roll and All It Stands For, like us. It was posers that forced me out of the rockabilly scene. I had to get out of the alternative country scene after it got taken over by posers: next week, at the Deadly Girdles show, we're gonna tell all the posers that the AfroPicks and the Fatal Fartbombs are playing Saturday night at the old abandoned warehouse. Since they're posers, they won't know what the 'Picks broke up last week and that the 'Bombs aren't playing in town until their record release show next month at the Tidy Bowl (Toady from Greasy Whisky Records played me a couple of tracks--just rough mixes but it RIPS!). Then we'll have the scene back! I think I can get some nitroglycerin from my cousin's boss's buddy, who races dragsters and is totally down with the garage rock scene, he sold a bass amp to Dave from the Ice Cold Sox, back when they were just the Cold Sox. If anybody needs to get a hold of me before that, I'll be out in front of the Gravy Lovers show at the Lo-Dive selling copies of my zine. Oh yeah, I almost forgot! Garage Jacker #7 is out now! It's only $4.00, it's thirty-nine pages long, and it's got interviews with Dale from Skid Mark Records, Larry Joe from Party 'Till You Puke Records, Marco from Twist o' Caca Records, Skutch from Zapped by Beer Records, Jay from Toilet Paper Records, Jay from Grrrr Age Records, and Steve from Skunkhole Record Distribution. Also, tons of record reviews, and a bunch of kick ass ads from totally cool record labels.

Kick out the Jams, Brothers and Sisters,

George Jacker
Garage Jacker 'Zine

P.S., I've got some advice for all of you out there lookin' to get some fresh ink. My new 'naked lady dice tattoo got infected because I took the bandages off early because I didn't want to look like a fuckin' pussy at the Screamin' Shakin' Burndown Weekend, where Randy Wrongwrong and the Allrights blew everyone away (as usual), and The Lazy Kotters got back together but it sucked because there was too much bass in the mix and Ronnie's sideburns weren't long enough. Don't let this happen to you! Keep your jacket on so no one can see the bandages.

P.P.S., Don't tell too many people about our plan to blow up the posers.

Dear Reglar Wiglar,

My butler just finished reading Reglar Wiglar #17 tom me. Firstly, thank you for interviewing me for your fine magazine. I don't know if you saw us on Letterman, but Fabio, our bass player, was wearing a Reglar Wiglar t-shirt. His girlfriend, the wealthy young socialite Paris Spleen, bought it for him off your website, www.reglarwiglar.com, for only twelve dollars. That's a lot less then we normally pay for T-shirts much less clean or stylish.

Please find enclosed a check for $25.00 for one white and one black Reglar Wiglar tee shirt.

J. Pierpont Morgan IV
The White Strokes

From RW #17 (2002)

Here finally is your check for three subscriptions to your hard hitting, journalistic contributions to the underbelly of society a.k.a. the Reglar Wiglar.

Mike Mellskog
Minneapolis, MN

P.S. I'll pay extra for the director's cut editions. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean? That Britney Spears exposé I know you did. The one with all the web cam shower pictures. That was the Wiglar wasn't it?

From RW #16 (2001)

Reglar Wiglar,

Thank you for not only sending #15, but for reviewing Polka Scene Zine once again. Lil' Robbie especially loved it!

The staff at PSZ appreciates your polka self. Enclosed is issue #18. Hope you enjoy it.

Polka on!

Vera

Dear Mom & Dad,

College is way cool. I love it and am having a blast. My roommates, Jenny and Tara, are way cool too. You would love them and I already met a great guy. I think you guys (yes, even you Dad) would approve of Tad.

The food at the cafeteria isn't all that great and I have a pretty heavy class load during the week (which I have a feeling is going to get pretty hectic), but this weekend me and a bunch of kids on my floor are going to drop acid and go to the beach so that should be fun. Well, gotta go to my World Civ class. I'll write more next week.

Love you.

Suzie

From RW #15 (2001)

Reglar Wiglar,

Thanks for wigging me out. This issue (RW#14) seemed thicker than usual, no? Yes? Maybe? (No--Ed.) I'll go get my tape measure. You know, I was laughing at (not with) the stoopid letters section, and then I realized that was my letter. Did I really leave off the comma after "pig fucking"? At any rate, the Wig earns my seal of approval for humor . . . although you made Sam Henderson not funny, and there wasn't enough "Peg", but I forgave you this time.

Jesse Reklaw

Reglar Wiglar,

If you've read the return address, you won't fucking believe who this letter is from, (cough) uh, Ann from Wisconsin. Ack! I feel so dirty. I finally sucked it up and moved to Chicago--that's why I've been so quiet and not, um, sending you any harassing letters lately. Due to the fact that no jobs in my heartbreakingly lovely, but third world-like homeland, pay more than eight bucks and hour. Anyway, you have every right to laugh your ass off at me . . . but I will always be a Packer fan by crikey!

Yours in shame,

Ann from Wisconsin

Reglar Wiglar,

I've got three days leave from the action so I thought I'd drop you guys a line and see how you were doing. How's Susie? I heard she got a part in the school play. That's swell.

This war is tearing me up inside--I've seen kids die out here and it doesn't seem like there's anything that me or anyone else can do about it and it makes me sick and angry.

The Captain says the fighting will be over by Christmas but there isn't one kid in the whole Company who believes him.

Tell Aunt Esther, thanks for the goof balls.

David Mulrooney

Reglar Wiglar,

I just finished issue #14 of Reglar Wiglar and now I'm just sitting here scratching my head and reflecting on it. Some of it was really good (in particular the band interviews and Jesse Reklaw and Sam Henderson's comics), and some of it was really bad (the Idiotorial and most of the record reviews) and the rest of it I had a hard time formulating an opinion for, sorta like Furbies. The cover was pretty cheesy too, but overall, it was entertaining enough.

Aaron Metzger

Aaron,

I agree with you on all your points except as regards to Furbies. There is no ambiguity in my feelings towards Furbies!

Chris Auman, Editor

From RW #14 (2000)

Editor,

Please accept the enclosed comic submission for your upcoming issue. I was referred to you by the little known, yet highly acclaimed music critic, Nick Sondy, author of the award-winning Jim O'Rourke record review (RW#13). It was one of the few worth reading in that issue.

I hope you will accept my comic. I call it the "Idiotorial Process". It illustrates what I imagine a typical Reglar Wiglar staffer goes through in order to come up with the crap you print.

I tried to read the Reglar Wiglar cover to cover. It was extremely stupid and it gave me a headache. There was little or no redeeming value whatsoever. Your reviews are meaningless. In the Tom Waits Mule Variations "review" the "writer" asks, "What could I possibly say in this shitty zine about the new Tom Waits record that would change anyone's mind one way or another." That's his period at the end of his sentence, I end questions with question marks. He continues, "I'm not a freakin' music critic." Looky here! We've found some common ground! This is a shitty zine and you are not a music critic.

I wrote a four page definitive review of the Sacred Baboons, however, I'm not including in with my comic for the following reasons, because unlike your "writers", I listened to the record, I describe the music and I thought about it before writing the review. For these reasons this thought provoking and insightful review does not belong alongside your primitive meaningless reviews.

Joseph O'Day

PS How much do I get paid for the comic?

Dear Mr. O'Day,

Irresistible Frank wrote the Tom Waits "Mule Variations" review in question and the only reason that Frank can get away with writing crap like that is because the man truly is irresistible. Guys, keep Frank away from your ladies and ladies, keep Frank away from your fellas. As for all the other nonsense contained in your letter, all I can really say is thanks for thinking of the "Reglar Wiglar". You hate it enough to care and I appreciate that.

Chris Auman, Editor

Yo Chris,

Make mine Wiglar! It's cooler than Marilyn Manson's pasty white butt cheeks, more entertaining than pig fucking and at least as stimulating as Eminem's Slim Shady LP. I was in a funk before I got wigged today. Now I'm laughing, pulling my hair out. Keep me on a steady diet of the Wig and some uranium isotopes, soon I'll be a hairless, defunked chucklehead. Yes!

Yrs.

'Klaw

From RW #13 (1999)

Dear Wriggler Wigglar,

It all started about three weeks ago. I was riding the bus east down Chicago Avenue, minding my own business. Normally, I try to bring something to read to make the ride go quicker. I prefer the classics, but occasionally dip into the bowels of lusty, foul-mouthed independent "literature" to get my rocks off. It was on this fateful bus ride that I delved into the lowest recesses of this aforementioned pit and grabbed the latest issue of Wriggler Wigglar. Christ Almighty! What was I thinking?

The bus was hot and steamy, my rock hard abs glistened with sweat and the mood became more and more ominous. Foul smelling bus riders crammed together and bumped into each other with every dip into one of Daley's many potholes. Disgusting. A pregnant woman stood over me sighing. My God, that sighing. Shut up already! It's a long ride to wherever you're going!

It was near Ashland Avenue that I read that one article--you know, the funny one? Can't seem to remember the title, or what it was about, but anyway, I snorted out loud. It was a really loud and obnoxious snort too.

(Let me just say this right now, there are some people that ride the same bus I ride to work to in the morning, they know each other and they seem to think that their conversations are important enough to be heard by all. Balls, I say! Public transportation is meant to be a tranquil experience. I don't want to hear about your garage door getting jammed, what you think of Eyes Wide Shut ("Kinda weird.") or about what a bitch the Accounts Payable Clerk is a ProAmCon.

That said . . . it was my snort which, like the breeze from a butterfly's wings in China . . .

All of a sudden people are screaming, fists are flying, old people are waking up! A riot I say! The pregnant woman stomped on my toe--on purpose, I think. A young hustler tried to make a break for the front of the bus while an old mule zigzagged to the rear. When they collided, both parties fell to the floor and died on the spot! All hell was in the process of breaking loose. An old man tossed a bag out the window, no doubt filled to the brim with illegal paraphernalia or perhaps a still smoking pistil or a dirty magazine or something of that nature. Three children skedaddled past and bumped my knee. (I got my revenge on the last one). Young lovers sucked each others faces. Elderly folk quivered in their boots and the bus driver blared his horn as we sped through a yellow light.

My problem is this: I know not one law that would prohibit what you call journalism. All I want is for this horror to end. I call on you and your staff to lay down your funny pens! Cease and desist! Stop the madness before it's too late.

Riding in Fear, West Town, Chicago

Dear Riding in Fear,

And I sir, call on you to lay down your bong! I declined to edit out the bulk of your many exclamation points but I must say that you abuse them terribly. That aside, I must admit that you have a certain flair for language . . . what language that is I have no idea, but seriously, my point is, Riding In Fear, that we could use someone like you to work here at the Reglar Wiglar. The job pays nothing, but there is a lot of hard work involved and hard work is good for the soul. I see it as sort of a trade off: we get what we want and you get what you need. Think about it, Riding in Fear (is that a Native American name?) the door is always open (or is always unlocked at any rate--lock's broke).

Chris Auman, Editor

Please don't send me your zine anymore.

Sincerely,

Donald F. Busky, Philadelphia, PA

Dear Mr. Busky,

We receive several letters per month and unfortunately we can not respond to each one individually. We appreciate your taking the time to send your thoughts and comments, however, and to show our appreciation of our many fans we have included a complimentary copy of the Reglar Wiglar as well as several additional copies to pass on to your friends. Thank you for reading the Reglar Wiglar.

Chris Auman, Editor

From RW #12 (1999)

Dear Reglar Wiglar,

I just finished reading your latest issue (#11) last night and would like to thank you for the kind review given my "Sampler". Enclosed, you'll find a tape of some newer material for review, if you see fit.

I'm becoming more and more worried about the people who write for your magazine. They all seem so angry. I also don't understand their glorification of alcoholism. I find it somewhat depressing that nearly every one of them mentions getting drunk no matter what the subject at hand may be: record reviews, etc. That and the language. I feel the Reglar Wiglar writers are going out of their way to include as much foul language as they can in articles. I don't find much of it necessary at all. Especially when many times they are using these words in improper contexts. For instance, fuck is a verb not a noun. Jack and Jill fuck, but Jack and Jill are not fucks, at least not in proper English.

Thank you for your time.

Mike Dixon, Uptown Enabler

Mr. Dixon,

I read your letter out loud at the staff meeting, where all such letters from our readership are read to the chuckles, cursing and heavy whisky drinking that usually takes place at such a gathering. I agree, profane language is hardly necessary, misuse of the King's English is an aberration and alcoholism is not something we wish to glorify. All I have to do is take a look around the office here and realize there is not much glory in what I see. I must, however, defend our use of the word fuck. This multipurpose word can be used as both a verb and a noun and as an adjective as well, for example: "Fuck (verb) you, you stupid fuck (n), don't fucking (adj) write again.

Chris Auman, Editor

*Hey Chris,

Just wanted to write a short line ta let ya know we appreciate your fun review of our fun CD in your fun zine. I've been pickin' up your zine religiously for the last three or four years. Why? Fuck, because it's one of life's few free pleasures. Anyways, thanks. Love you guys.

Mike & Al Scum
C*nts Live

**Dear Reglar Wiglar,

I recently picked up a copy of you mag while in the city on a business trip and found the articles to be thought-provoking and incredibly interesting, your interviews, insightful and provocative and the layout is a pleasure for the eyes. Keep up the good work. It would be hard to improve on what you're doing right now, but I have a feeling you'll surprise me with the next issue.

Kevin Turlington, Kansas City, MO

Oh please, you exaggerate--Ed.

**Dear RW,

Just picked up #11. Great as always. The Reglar Wiglar is truly one of the most remarkable publications ever published by humans. Love ya!

Nickie Plutarch, Chicago, IL

Come on now--Ed.

**Dear Reg Wig,

Just read #11 cover to cover. I don't know what to say. It moved me in a way that's hard to explain with words, but you could probably do it 'cause you guys are the greatest.

Tina Rodriguez, Chicago, IL

That's very kind of you to say. Thank you-Ed.

**Dear Editor of the Reglar Wiglar,

Brilliant!

Joe Brown, Rockford, IL

Stop it. I'm serious. Thank you very much, all of you--Ed.

* a real letter from an actual reader

** not a real letter

From RW #11 (1998)

To: Chris

Thanx for another fabulous ish of "Reglar Wiglar". Because of such wonderful 'zines as yours . . . I've decided to continue my cartoonin' career. You're doin' a "splendid" job with your mag!

Respectfully,

T.R. Miller & Luhey

To: T.R.,

No problem, T.R. I'm glad to hear you've decided to carry on and that the Reglar Wiglar was a part of that decision. Don't let fickle fans get yah down, believe me I know what it's like.

Yours,

Chris Auman, Editor

Subj: the superb blond wig review
From: Snowy Records
To: Wiglar

What's the deal with this Jeff Cuningham guy? Why even bother if you have nothing to say? And you, as the editor of this zine, to print this shit is a real reflection on yourself.

Maybe it's all the same person doing all your reviews. At least review the disc. Evidently, you have the disc 'cause you got my address with the correct suite number and everything. Come on Wiglar, get it together. If you need some guest reviewer to do a last minute review, I'll volunteer my services and at least give the reader an honest opinion. Anything is better than this asshole with phenylketornuria.

Unsigned.

Dear Unsigned,

Thank you for your letter/postcard/e-mail. It is people like you who make what we do here at the Reglar Wiglar worthwhile.

Although we can't reply to every letter individually, this note is just to let you know that we appreciate your comments and suggestions but hope next time you'll keep them to yourself.

Sincerely,

Joey Germ
Reglar Wiglar Secretary

From RW #10 (1998)

LETTER FROM MONSIEUR CHAMPAGNE, COMEDIAN:

Dear Mr. Almond,

I just started reading Wiglar #8. I'm only on the second paragraph and have already read way more than I thought I would. Your philosophy on riches and the superiority one derives from ox-choking amounts of money rang true like the surge of a healthy bong hit: "When you're rich, you're better than everyone else."

When I was poor, I had suspicions that this sentiment was true. Now that I've got more cash than you, your staff, your contributing writers and their families combined, I know it's true. Because you know what I did last week? Bought shit. What does a twenty-six inch JVC television set, a Toshiba V3 technologically advanced VCR (the kind that sucks your tape in from across the room), a dining table, four chairs, a glass coffee table, the Corner Cockpit desk from Office Depot and the Nintendo 64 all have in common? They were all bought by me, 'cuz I be stinkin' fuckin' rich motha'fucka'!

I'm an actor in LA and I make my living doing never-to-be-seen sitcoms so bad not even the most pathetic of celebrities would not go near them . . . not even Tony Danza. For a show like Claude's Crib I got paid a disemboweling amount of cash (I'm not going to tell you how much, but it was $10,000 an episode). Claude's Crib; a festering piece of basic cable crap whose foul stink I may never be able to wipe from my resume, is arguably the most egregious of all the acting jobs I've ever had: a dumb-ass sitcom with insultingly lame ebonic humor, but quite often it did boast some choice tits from various guest starts. For thirteen episodes of this colossal mass of feces, bad writing and shame, I became a rich, rich man.

So thank god for the Wiglar! Finally a place where I can unload my enormous lack of guilt and feel good about having more money than anyone who will ever read this! I do have a sneaky feeling that I'm better than everyone else but I really need to hear it from the people beneath me. So let me know, Mr. Wiglar! And if you're ever strapped for cash, hey go fuck yourself.

Time for my massage. Later, losers!

Yours in dough

Matt Champagne

To Christopher,

"Thanx" for your issue #9 of "Reglar Wiglar". Your magazine is "breathtaking". I'm thrilled to have "appeared" again. Have a "sensational" Autumn!

Yours truly,

Luhey

Luhey,

Once again, it was my "pleasure" to include "your" funnies. I wish you a "wonderful" Autumn as "well."

"Christopher"

Dear Ed.,

You call this a porno mag? What the fuck, man? Here's five dollars. Thing fucking sucks.

Brad Helin

Dear Brad,

I understand and appreciate your frustration with our magazine. You are right, "thing fuckin' sucks" indeed.

Chris Auman, Editor

From RW #9 (1997)

Christopher,

Thanx a lot for issue #8 of the Reglar Wiglar. Your magazine is f-a-b-u-l-o-u-s! I truly appreciate you including my poochy 'toons in your magazine. It was very kind of you! Have a fun, enjoyable, and nice summer!

PS I've enclosed more funnies.

Sincerely,

Luhey

Dear Luhey,

No problem.

Chris Auman, Editor

Wiglar,

I rolled one on your zine tonight! Not a better zine to burn with! At least not out here in the fucking desert.

I'm drunk on tequila.

John Partin
Tempe, AZ

John,

Excellent!

Chris Auman, Editor

From RW #8 (1997)

Muggsy McMurphy,

The Krinkles would like to thank you for reviewing our 7" single. We just picked up issue #7 at Chicago Comics and were happy and enjoyed your comments! We especially liked the opening sentence, "Worst record cover that I've ever seen on a seven inch." Well, somebody understood what we were trying to achieve (we think).

Just to keep you informed (and we love to talk about ourselves) we have a new full-length CD due out in February '97 (but who doesn't these days) called The Three Ringos.

Thanks a bunch and hope to see you at a show.

The Krinkles

Thanks for responding to my review of your record with kind words of gratitude and not vicious threats of revenge as I am more than used to by now. Your letter is in print so anyone should they chose, has been informed of your new release and I'm sorry that I haven't been able to make it to one of your shows, I've been kind of drunk lately--busy, I meant busy--I've been busy lately. Oh Jesus.

Muggsy McMurphy

Reglar Wiglar,

RW #7 has arrived with a very disappointing cover. What happened? Someone should be fired.

Concerned Reader
LJ Hudson

Concerned Reader LJ Hudson,

I would beg to differ with you on the cover. I thought it was absolutely brilliant, as did my underlings. You are no doubt referring to the absence on Max "Shudder" DeZutter's usual provocative photography. Perhaps you are a fan of his work with the medium. Perhaps you are even a disgruntled Mr. DeZutter in disguise. We don't know for sure, do we "Mr. LJ Hudson, Concerned Reader," if that is you real name and title.

Chris Auman, Editor

Christopher,

Thanx for includin' my 'toons in your zine. Your magazine is doggone spectacular! I've enclosed more funnies. Have a great Autumn!

Luhey

Wow, a letter from a cartoon dog. Hey Luhey, thanks for noticing our zine is "spectacular", you would be surprised at how many people miss that fact entirely. And you know what? I did have a great Autumn, relatively speaking, it was great compared to summer which isn't saying much, but I appreciate the sentiment, etc.

Christopher (Auman, Editor)

Chris,

Hello. Your zine is well, how can I say it? Let's just say that the copyright is really stupid--if someone wanted to use your words as their own, then you should be flattered . . . and why don't you do any indie label reviews? And then the whole thing with advertisments--that's so fucked. You'd sell you opinions out for money--you're a whore.

Hey DIY? What's that? Integrity? What's that? Let's just say that I hated your zine so much that I'm sending it back to you--I will pretend like I never got it.

Shana
Stick Figure Mail Order

Oh, you didn't get it all right, but thanks for taking the time out of your busy study hall period to write me such a reactionary and juvenile letter. Now, if I could just get my hands on some indie label records to review. . . .

©Chris Auman

Reglar Wiglar,

Could you send me a copy of your zine? I'm in prison out here in Kansas and really broke, so I'd appreciate it. Thanks.

John Miner
Ft. Leavenworth, KS

From RW #6 (1995)

Dear Wiglar,

This is to notify you that your mention of Cats in the review of This Jesus Must Die (RW#5) cost a young man his job. When the fifth reference was discovered, I told the kid he had five more and then he was gone. What started out as funny had now turned annoying, even for him the concept creator.

As he was cleaning out his office in Suite 514 he was pleading something about "one more reference, please!" His angle was that no none read the Wiglar so it shouldn't count. That's when I got pissed and explained to him that shit rags count too!

So anyway, he swore he'd get me for this and babbled something about changing his name every six months and going into music journalism. I don't even know what his real name was, we just called him bitch. Give me a call if a suspicious contributor pops up.

Rock Hard.

Pete Vox
OFFWhite Records
Chicago

Hey Pete,

Is this the same Peter Vox from OFFWhite Records that never returns my phone calls? Is this Pete "Check's in the Fucking Mail You Stinking Weasel!" Vox? Ahh, whatever. Thanks for the warning about "suspicious contributors". I regret to inform you that all of our contributors are suspicious. Hell, some of them even fax in their work from prison, but what are you gonna do? These people work cheap and they're paying back their debt to society at the same time. As for the reference to Cats? Come on now, that was simply an easy jab below the belt and a cheap shot. Muggsy wrote that review anyway and a rocket scientist that boy is not. You're just lucky I edited out the Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat starring Donny Osmond references. I got a heart afterall.

You're welcome.

Chris Auman, Ed.

Reglar Wiglar,

An Urgent Message to Courtney Love. I don't have on-line or Internet or whatever that shit is called, but I need to get this message to Courtney Love somehow. Please print this letter:

Please stop, please, please just go away, please. No more cover photos. No more interviews. I don't care about your perspective on the world. Nobody does, not anymore. Sometimes people have thoughts that they don't feel they have to share with the world and that's OK. No one deserves to know that much about you. Listen to your friend Michael's song "Everybody Hurts" Not just you.

Thanks you. I feel so much better now.

Debra Dell
Janesville, WI

Mr. Auman,

I want to let you know right up front that I do not approve of your "magazine". All those four-letter words. Is that necessary? Absolutely not! There is no reason that you need to use such offensive language to communicate your ideas. You call yourself an editor, please start editing.

Louise Krylowicz
Hoffman Estates

Dear Ms. Krylowicz,

You should see how much I edit our of this thing before it goes to press, it's fucking ridiculous. It really is

Chris Auman, Ed.

Reglar Wiglar,

I have never read such an in-depth and extensive article about my favorite band of all time, The Woodrows. I was very impressed with your magazine. I was even more impressed with the talent, vision and integrity of that fine rock band. Keep up your high journalistic standards and there's no limit to what you can do.

J. Kronenberg
Chicago, IL

Thanks J., we appreciate your words of support for what we do here at the Reglar Wiglar. Oh, I have just one question for you; have you ever kissed your own ass by mistake? Just curious.

Chris Auman, Ed.

Letters RW #5 (1995)

Dear Reglar Wiglar,

I remember when I first came to this town. I came by Greyhound. It was December, I think, or late November. I took the subway from the train station, not exactly sure where I was going or what I would find. I didn't know a soul in this town--not at the time.

I got off the train at the Belmont stop by Sheffield. I remember walking somewhere and standing on the corner of an intersection. It was a cold and gray Midwestern Winter's day. I remember that icicles had formed on my goatee. The city's unforgiving wind met my body and ripped through my thin, secondhand jacket leaving me chilled to the soft vascular tissue that fill my very bones.

I stood there at that intersection, staring at the dismal urban landscape. I was searching for something, anything, for solace perhaps, some comfort of any kind to soothe my weary, travel-ravaged form.

It must have seemed odd to some passersby, me just standing there, motionless, contemplative, or maybe I just blended in with the rest of the city's eccentrics. Eventually, something caught me eye. It blew past me in the gutter below my feet. Beaten and worn, pages ripped and torn, it was a magazine, ravaged by the elements--I felt like that magazine!

I stooped to pick up the mangled mass of paper and ink. Straightening and smoothing its pages, I put it in my pocket.

This was some months ago and still, when I become confused or overwhelmed with my insecurities, I open up my worn and weary copy of the Reglar Wiglar and become lost in its pages.

Todd Pennywhistle Pierce
Winter '95

Dear Todd,

Geez, Todd . . . I don't know what to say . . . ahhh, thanks? Get help? Don't write again?

--Joey Germ

Wiglar,

Thanks for rerunning that MotherScratcher interview. It didn't quite suck the first time around. MotherScratcher wouldn't know grunge if it bit them in the flannel.

Have you ever heard of Sponge? Stone Temple Pilots? Candlebox? If you want to cover a grunge band, you're sniffin' around the wrong butts. My band Knob Gobbler (too cool, obviously, to be mentioned granted a Reglar Wiglar interview) makes MotherScratcher look like a Hasselhoff cover band.

Clyde
Knob Gobbler

Dude,

Don't even get me started.

Joey Germ

Hi,

I'm fifteen years old and I live in the suburbs with my parents and I would like to use this space to share my opinions about what is and isn't "punk" and who is or isn't a "sellout".

Ahem:

Rancid is punk.

Blue or green hair is punk unless worn on the head of members of Green Day who are not punk, but are sellouts.

Offspring are punk because they rule and are on a punk label which is a multi-million dollar corporation which is not punk. (It can get confusing I know.)

Offspring aren't sellouts even though they were on the cover of Spin, because they care more about the music than being on the cover of Spin.

Courtney Love talks too much and is not punk and she is a sellout and so was her husband, whatshisname, who shot himself in the head (very punk).

Veruca Salt is not punk and they did sellout and I don't like them but I like that one song, "Seether".

Pearl Jam is not punk but I respect their "punk attitude".

Fugazi is punk and aren't sellouts but they aren't as good as Offspring but they are still OK.

Thank you I hope this clears things up.

Jenny Kelp
Naperville

Dear Jenny,

Thank you for your cute little letter. We really appreciate the views and opinions of our young readers who don't know shit yet.

Joey Germ

From RW #4 (1994)

To the Editors of Reglar Wiglar,

F.Y.I., Knob Gobbler has been signed. In reference to Joey Germ's borderline slanderous review of their demo (RW #3), let me just say that Knob Gobbler have been given the high hat and the high hard one by just about every music critic in town and not just your own pathetic little rag. You are not alone. There are other's who share your bad taste and to tell you the truth, it makes me want to gag and puke.

YES, I know Knob Gobbler and YES they are friends of mine, BUT I have always considered myself to be an unbiased and open-minded person and I wish everyone were the same. Knob Gobbler rocks. So magazines like yours with writers who think they are so goddman high and mighty just because they get to see their little paltry pseudonyms in print once every five months can fuck the fuck off!

Jeanne Davis
Bucktown

Wiglar,

This is just a quick little note reminding you that the Reglar Wiglar is just another worthless piece of propaganda exploiting twenty-somethings. It's not like we don't already have enough bandwagon fanzines out there sucking up to kids, trying to get them to buy their records, their clothes, their alcohol, their . . . whatever.

You sold out your own age bracket, man. All to make a couple bucks.

Buzz Kilpatrick
Roscoe Village

PS Yeah, I look like that guy on the front cover of your last issue. So what? So do most of my friends.

Hey Sick & Twisted Creatures of the Literary Netherworld,

I thank you for your reproduction of the works of the late, great Charles F. Buchanan, the man was by far the most gifted, prolific and tragic writer of our time. We need to see more literary supplements published. It really gives substance to otherwise meaningless piece of shit publications.

Natalie Carver
Beverly

Reglar Wiglar,

I know you guys aren't Abbey Landers or anything, but maybe you could settle an argument between a couple of co-workers and myself. There are some that think that The Reglar Wiglar is the worst music fanzine out there, but I think Spew sucks a little more. You gotta help me out here if you could, 'cause I really don't want to buy these fuckers lunch. That's the bet and they look like they can eat a lot.

Joe Brown
Rockford, IL

Dear Joe,

You're right, I'm not Dear Abby of Ann Landers, Cecil Adams or even Ted Nugents old lady, but I did a little research and have come to the conclusion that although it's a close one to call Spew, does indeed suck a little more than does our fair fanzine.

I hope that wins you the lunch bet and I hope you and your buddies keep those brains turned on and keep those good questions coming. Asshole.

Christopher P. Auman, Editor & Publisher

From RW #3 (1994)

Dear Reglar Wiglar,

Motherfuckers, I was at that Insynuator show in Elgin and it totally blew. Little Muggsy Ass-Kiss McMurphy loved it, of course. He isn't at all biased towards East Coast bands. Nooo, not Boot Lick McMurphy. If it's from Jersey, it's gold, except for the one band that actually matters, the best band from Jersey or any of the other fifty-two states, Sin Nation Sinsation. Of course little Star Boy doesn't like this band.

Why does your magazine constantly slag Sin Nation and Stone Temple Pilots? Why is Muggsy "I Hang Out With Rock Starts and Ask Them Really Stupid Questions Therefore I Am Cool" McMurphy such a prick? Answer please.

Shawn Teflin
Barrington, IL

Hey Man, you are out of line! Muggsy has feelings just like you and me--well, feelings similar to you and me, and he deserves a little more respect.--Ed.

Mr. Germ,

Yo man, was that you who was so drunk at the Smart Bar on May 13th that you embarrassingly hit on my girlfriend, puked all over your shirt, burned yourself with a lit cigarette, passed out on the dance floor and wet your pants? 'Cause it sure looked like your stupid ass.

Carl Malloy
Bucktown, Chicago

Yes, Mr. Malloy, 'twas I--Joey Germ

Reg Wig.,

I got your latest Reglar Wiglar. It is a very fine issue with one minor problem. Overtime I hear my band (Schwah RW#2) compared to either Smashing Pumpkins or Pearl Jam, I lapse into fits of suicidal depression. That single sucks anyhow. Well, better luck next time. Enclosed are our nifty new Mono Cat 7 buttons. Wear them with pride. I must be going. Arevadercheeeeee.

Tim Davison
Mono Cat 7 Records
Cincinnati, OH

Mr. Davison,

Please read your review a little more carefully. I simply stated the fact that you have been compared to Smashing Pumpkins and Pearl Jam. I personally did not make that erroneous comparison. I wouldn't do that to anybody, unless of course it was true.

Muggsy McMurphy
Music Coordinator and guy who wrote the review in question

To the Publishers,

I noticed that B.S. Brown was listed as being a contributing writer for issue number two, yet I could find no by-line anywhere. I hope all is well with Mr. Brown. Did he get shit-canned or something? I would hate to think what he might do had he any more free time on his hands.

Joseph Davenport
Lakeview, Chicago

Mr. Davenport,

Thank you for your concern about staff writer , Mr./Mrs./Miz Brown. Recent cuts in our budget have rendered Brown's job obsolete. We regretted having to shit can him/her as you suggested but his/her unwillingness to work for free left him/her no recourse but to be fired. Besides, we really didn't care too much for the crap that Mr. Brown tried to pass off as music journalism.

Sincerely,
Christopher P. Auman, Editor

Hey,

I've read the last couple issues of your zine and it's really cool! So I've finally gotten around to sending you the latest issue of my zine--#2 of Steve Albini Thinks We Suck!

Number three should be out some time next month. If all goes according to plan, which it probably won't. Anyway, here's my zine, I hope you like it. Can't wait to see the next Reglar Wiglar

Mo Ryan
Andersonville, Chicago

Thanks MO,

We always like gettin' free shtuff in the mail and we also enjoyed havin' a little chuckle at the expense of the Great One, Steve Albini.

Chris Auman, Ed.

From RW #2 (1994)

To the Editors,

I received your first issue of Regler Wiggler in the mail yesterday. I found your humor to be tasteless, the film and record reviews uninformative and juvenile and the artwork reminiscent of a third grade talent contest. When you chose to adopt a higher standard of production values, I would be interested in seeing that. Until then, please do not waste my time any further with your inane attempt at a magazine.

Name and address withheld

Thanks Mom-Ed.

Sirs,

I am a twenty-four year old college graduate with a degree in English. Currently I am working in a coffeehouse, but or course, I don't expect to be doing this all my life. I am very interested in writing for a small magazine that is just starting out. Enclosed are some writing samples--you will find them to be of a satirical bent. Basically, I am sick of all this Generation X crap that's being forced down my throat by the media and I have a lot of time on my hands to complain about it. Would you be interested?

Jason Whittaker
Lakeview, Chicago

No--Ed.

Dudes,

Thanks for that MotherScratcher article. We need more magazines like your and more interviews with bands like The Woodrows and MotherScratcher. The world needs to know that there's more to alternative muzak than Pearl Scam and Stoned Pimple Toilets. Rock on!.

Christopher Gersy
Blue Island, IL

Sure--Ed.

Hey,

Your mag. for the most part, sucks, but I did appreciate the MotherScratcher piece. Joey Germ rocks, as for P.C. Jones, please give him his walking papers... now! The dude was way the fuck off base with his review of PPM's (Proactive Piece Machine) debut fucking masterpiece, Sickle Cell Theory.

I don't think what he needs is an umbrella to protect himself from a "downpour of bad bands," as he suggests in the review, what he needs is an athletic cup to protect himself from band that rock balls. Everybody should have this record. These guys are the next Stone Temple Pilots whether Pecker Checker Jones believes it or not.

Fuck you asshole!

Hans Geiderman
Rogers Park

Sorry Kraut, I should have been more considerate to those among us who are mentally and physically challenged, 'cause you are obviously, terminally unhip. You should stop buying generic and get into some brand name shit, but then that would mean you would have to open your mind. Don't open your mind, Heir Geiderman, if might escape--P.C. Jones.

Sirs,

I am currently attending Northwestern University where I am completing my dissertation: "A Jungian Analysis of T.S. Eliot's The Wasteland." I have also written a small book of poetry published by an independent press in San Francisco). Enclosed are some samples including my works, "Why do The Windows Mock Me?" and "Reflections".

In my spare time (what little of it there is) I enjoy relaxing I coffee houses engaging in discussions of relevant topics. Perhaps we could meet at one (I prefer Cafe Voltaire, a nonsmoking atmosphere) and discuss how I could contribute to your magazine. I would appreciate a prompt response.

Sincerely,

Bradley S. Rubinowski
Evanston, IL

Did you try contacting Strong Coffee?--Ed.

Young Man,

Our records indicate a severe delinquency on your financial account. Please let me remind you that the funds we provided for your education were loans, not gifts. You are responsible for the full amount, due monthly for the next thirty-five years in low payments of $365.26 each.

Failure to repay these loans may result in default, placing your credit rating in jeopardy, and may escalate in severe personal risk commencing with the loss of the digits of your left hand starting with your pinky and working our way to your thumb, on to the next hand, down to your toes, then we cut your hamstrings so you'll never walk again, and then I will personally carve a little frowny face on your forehead so everyone will know you are a deadbeat and a loser.

Although I relish the opportunity to mutilate your pathetic skinny frame, this little problem may be avoided by enclosing the check for the full amount of your delinquency.

Walter E. Siedelmeyer
Delinquency Officer
Great Lakes Educational Services

Geez, Dad. Lighten up, ok?--Ed.

Dear People Who Obviously Worship Dinosaur Bands That Suck and Have Been Sucking for Quite Some Time Now,

MotherScratcher, The Woodrows... what? It's 1994, guys, what the fuck?

Leslie Robinson
Lincoln Park, Chicago

Aaah, so what?--Ed.

Greetings and Salutations, Reglar Wiglar,

I applaud your first issue. Hooray for Jayne Wayne and her review of Annie Baldwell's latest effort, To Thine Ownself. Artists like Baldwell are deserving of the praise and creative/constructive criticism given to them by writers such as Ms Wayne, who might I add, has been gifted with a poetic ear for the language (does she write poetry? If not, she should).

Mr. Brown's reviews, I found highly informative on the cinematic front as well, he is an insightful columnist.

There are a some things about Reglar Wiglar that I personally would like to see changed (and I am sure I'm not along). I find your contributing writers, Muggsy McMurphy and P.C. Jones to be crude, vulgar, and fairly unintelligent. Joey Germ's artwork is laughably amateurish and sloppy and Lollipop should probably be in prison. Get rid of some of the dead weight and who knows where yo could take Reglar Wiglar? Let's just hope the publishers take note and make the obvious and necessary changes.

Susan Clemantine
Oak Park

Duly noted, ma'am. Thank you for your insightful comments--C. Auman, T. Ziegler, Publishers

To Whom it May Concern,

I am a wealthy young socialite who is bored, bored, bored. I am interested in nurturing young new talent, and am willing to invest a small up-and-coming music magazine. The budget has been estimated at $50,000 per issue with fringe benefits including corporate expense account (negotiable), a semi filled with beer and cigarettes, an open account at Taco Burrito Palace #2 and a 1974 GTO nitro-burning funny car.

Unfortunately, I am looking for untouched talent, and as you have already produced an issue, you are not qualified, I apologize but am requesting information on anyone else you may know. Your help would be appreciated. Thank you.

Victoria J. Winthrop
Gold Coast, Chicago

Buh, buh, buh, buh--Ed.

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