Picking the easy targets since 1993
TIPS ON PROPER PHONE ETIQUETTE
By BASTIGE VON CURR
The views of Bastige Von Curr, as right-on as they may be, do not reflect the views of the Reglar Wiglar, even though you would think they do since we are the ones publishing them in this forum, but you know, we gotta say they're not for some reason. At least this is what our lawyer, Jim Willy, Jr., Esq, has advised us to say.
Dialing a Wrong Number
As soon as you've determined that you've dialed a wrong number because the schmuck on the other line is obviously not your buddy, Chet, hang up immediately. You don't need to apologize to some a-hole just because you made a mistake, and there's no need to verify the number to make sure you have the correct one either. F 'em. You can always redial, and if you get the same idiot again you can simply slam the phone down on them a second time. What are they gonna do, cry?
Receiving a Wrong Number
When receiving a wrong number, it is important to hang up immediately. The instant you determine that the call was made in error, whether by the foreign sounding accent of the caller or the fact that they're asking for Joe and your name is Janet (or in my case Bastige Von Curr), you should angrily slam the receiver down and end that bullshit right there. It should enrage you that someone could be so stupid as to misdial or get an incorrect number from a third party. Of course, hanging up immediately before determining the cause of the error will many times force the person to call back to make sure they haven't just dialed incorrectly. This is your opportunity to get further enraged and hang up on this idiot a second and hopefully final time as they will have really gotten the message this time.
When ordering take out from a restaurant, it's really not necessary to take a look at the menu before you call in your order. There will be plenty of time to decide what you want once you're on the phone. This is especially important when you are ordering for a large group of people. The stooge taking your phone order is more than likely a big loser with nothing better to do than to spend ten minutes on the phone with you while you and your obnoxious buddies figure out what you want. And if you don't have a menu from that particular restaurant, no problem. The poor schmuck will be happy to describe every entree on the menu in great detail. Feel free to ask what their favorite dish is as well as what the most popular menu items are, how they're prepared, with what ingredients, etc, etc, etc. Get a quick run down on the price of each menu item as well. You are entitled to as much information as you demand. Ask how long your order will take. If they say twenty minutes, arrive at the restaurant in five and act all put out and impatient. Say something really clever like, "What are they killing the cow back there?" The restaurant drones will think that this is funny as they will have never heard that joke before. Don't tip them either. They make plenty of money, believe me.
When ordering food for delivery, don't worry about having your credit card ready. Is it upstairs in your other purse? Is it out in the car? That's ok, go get it, they'll wait, after all, they want your business. It doesn't matter that they may be busy. Take your time.
See previous post for Bastige Von Curr's Tips for Ordering Take Out, then apply the following techniques for delivery. After you've finished ordering, but before they have a chance to give you the total, ask for the total. Act all surprised at the price. Ask for a break down then tell them you still don't see how that adds up to the price they've given you. Take your time, let the information sink in. "Ahhh, the tax, I forgot about the tax!!! Because there's taxes on everything these days. HAHAHAHA!!!"
If they tell you that your delivery will be about an hour, repeat that back in a shocked voice, "An hour!?" It's just an estimate of course, and there's no way they can tell you exactly when it will arrive, but tell them that if they could get it there sooner, you'd appreciate it.
They may have said an hour, but don't bother looking at your watch to see when you called. Listen to your stomach instead. If your fat gut tells your pizza should have arrived by now, don't hesitate to call up the restaurant and demand to know where your food is. Be a dick about it and demand to know exactly where the driver is and the exact minute he or she will arrive. What? They don't have a GPS tracking device on your Chinese take-out? They're not tracking your meatball sandwich with a satellite? Assholes! Demand a discount.
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